


90 Days

by Smapdi



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-05 05:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 29,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1807834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smapdi/pseuds/Smapdi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mindy blogs about her life, love, and various other happenings. It follows the show timeline beginning with Episode 1 and will continue daily till the season 3 premiere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a crazy undertaking but I thought it would be a fun way to count down until the hiatus is over. Each blog entry will follow along with the episodes, based on what we saw on the show, and I will update with a new piece each day. These will be short drabbles so it may work better for the reader to save them up to read weekly but I hope to make each bit enjoyable in case you want to read daily. No guarantees on that though! I decided to follow the original episode order rather than the order aired for season 1 because it makes certain things flow better. Season 2 will follow as episodes aired.

**8/28/2010**

Hello,world!

Okay, maybe not the world. I'm doing this privately for now, so nobody harasses me when I forget to update for weeks. I know, this will be like the fifth time I've tried to do a blog thingy, but I really haven't had time to devote to chronicling my amazing life so far. 

But now, I swear, this time I'm going to do this regularly. I mean, if Bridget Jones can have a diary, Mindy Lahiri can have a blog! Plus, I saw this movie about a girl who wrote a blog and became a published author and they made a movie about her - and all she did was cook from a cookbook! I'm an OB/GYN and I deliver babies, that's so much more interesting! 

Well, I also do the gynecology part, and there's all sorts of patient privacy laws, so I won't be able to share any of the really good stories about people sticking things where they don't belong, or how some ladies should really keep up the waxing before they give birth. But that's okay. The rest of my life is pretty amazing. It should totally be this epic romantic comedy. 

Speaking of romantic - I met the man of my dreams a few weeks ago. It was a classic meet cute, and we really hit it off. He's smart, funny, kind, and I'm not trying to be crass but hello, he is blessed in the underpants region. BIG TIME. Plus, he's an oral surgeon, so we have a lot in common. I can already see us getting married - the wedding cake covered with real flower petals (you can eat flowers, you know!) and our little mixed race wedding topper will be so adorable! I know, I'm getting ahead of myself, but I really think it is my destiny to stand in a crowded reception hall and toast this gorgeous man as I embark on my future with the love of my life. I'm going to have little biracial children with amazing teeth.


	2. Chapter 2

**9/26/2012**

Hey, my old blog!

I was going to start a new one but I used up all my email addresses so I guess I can just pretend I never wrote anything before. 

Forget everything I ever said about Tom, okay? It was all wrong, wrong, wrong. Except the underpants part. But he ended up being so boring and pathetic. I can't believe I wasted a year and a half of my amazing life on him. He and that war criminal sex bride can suck it. 

Guess I can cross "getting arrested looking fabulous" off my bucket list. I'm pretty sure they'll drop the charges. I don't know if I'll get off as easy after I kill stupid Danny. He keeps stealing my patients, and he's so fucking smug about it. "I must have wowed her with my skills." Yeah, Danny, you're so talented, unless it comes to figuring out how to set the alarm on your phone, then you come crawling to me, don't you? I have half a mind to set his stupid phone to go off every hour and play "Try Again" since he won't shut up about how much he hates me playing it. He doesn't understand my need for motivation to fight against the oppression I face as the sole woman at the practice. 

Well, he can steal my new patient, because she doesn't have insurance. Bite me, Danny. 

Oh! And I'm going on a date tonight! Gwen fixed me up with a friend. Fingers crossed he's not a weirdo. And screw you, Danny, with your "lose fifteen pounds" bullshit. You couldn't even handle all this.


	3. Chapter 3

**9/27/2012**

Oops, I did it again. 

And by it, I mean Jeremy. Sigh... Last time. I swear. For realsies. I don't need him getting attached - it's just been a casual hook-up kind of thing, but office romances are a bad idea. Even office friends-with-benefits. 

He thinks I'm falling in love with him, but I'm not. I swear. I'm not even in like with him. He just has... skills. 

The blind date was busted up by an emergency delivery, and I don't know if I want to reschedule. Dennis was nice, but he's friends with Carl and I just don't know. 

At least this time, Danny didn't steal my patient. For what it's worth, he was actually kind of decent to me about it. He even gave me a compliment, and that's hard for him to do, since he thinks he's the only competent doctor on the planet. I tried to get him to watch WHMS with me, but oh well, he's not the kind of guy who would run through the streets for his one true love. He made that crystal clear. Oh! Crystal clear, Billy Crystal, I didn't even realize that when I wrote it! I'm so clever. I probably should have made it seem like I did that intentionally though. 

He has a pretty nice smile when he decides the world isn't ending.


	4. Chapter 4

**10/2/2012**

Who doesn't love a meet cute?

There I am, browsing in an actual real life bookstore, when fate decides to throw me a bone and hook me up Kathleen Kelly style. Hello, handsome. 

So meet cute boy and I went out for snacks. I really never realized before how thoroughly unsatisfying frozen yogurt can be. He was a pretty good sport, though.

He's an architect, and he reads. Finally, my intellectual equal, or at least somewhere on the same axis. Okay, hot stuff, you have my real number, use it!

On the work front, we have an issue with our staff, and need to hire a new nurse. Schulman is letting me handle it and I'm so pumped. Finally, I get to flex my muscles on the responsibility front. And it pissed Danny off, which is all the better.

My idea of the perfect nurse - smart, savvy, fashionable, not prettier than me but that leaves a lot of room. If we happen to be the same size, and we can trade cute tops, it's just icing on the cake.

Oh man, now I want some cake. Maybe after we get rid of Beverly and hire this new girl we can run to that cute tea shop together! I can't wait. I'm sure we will be best friends.


	5. Chapter 5

10/3/2012

Danny Castellano is the devil. 

I'm perfectly capable of hiring an awesome person and was DOING THAT when he tried to take over. He is such a control freak! Schulman gave in to his whining and made us do it together, which makes absolutely zero sense. Danny and I do NOT work well together! All he wanted to do was argue and criticize me and every candidate that I liked. Asshole. 

It doesn't matter, of course, because I ended up hiring Morgan. All. By. Myself. 

I shouldn't have had fire Beverly and get punched in the nose to do it, thank you, Danny. And thank you, Jeremy, you chickenshit bastard. 

This blog is really making me swear. 

And the architect still hasn't called. Who does that? What kind of person ruthlessly pursues a woman, buys her a pretzel and never calls? Geez. I'll give him one more day. Two at the most. If I don't hear from him in three days, that's it.

So today, I fired a nurse (goodbye Beverly, you crazy bitch!) and I hired a nurse (hello Morgan, you crazy bitch!) and I bled all over an $80 blouse. Also, humiliated Danny on the subway. Overall, a pretty damned good day. 

I really need to cut back on the swearing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an aside - since I'm following the original timeline, not the Fox amended one, we're on Danny Castellano Is My Gynecologist. Ignore the fact that they edited Josh in at the beginning!

10/17/2012

I think I may have overestimated myself. Is that a thing? It's certainly not a thing I've ever done before. 

A woman's reproductive health is of utmost importance, which is why I made sure to see my own ladybits doctor regularly. Except I've had to put it off because there was that seminar that conflicted and then my waxer went out of town (physician heal thyself, am I right? I'm definitely big on doing unto others.) so long story short I needed to find a new gyno. 

I guess I could have gone with Jeremy, since he's already been up in my business, but feel like he'd just be all "So, Mindy, is my watch up here?" And god, I really don't need him to be more obsessed with me than he is now. It's embarrassing and gross. And Dr. S. said we're too close, which is sweet, and makes sense, because I am his protege. 

I mentioned this all to Danny and he was such an asshole about it. "Oh, you want a doctor that you don't have a personal relationship with? Here you go, I'm the big swinging dick and I consider you a piece of the furniture but I won't be your doctor. You couldn't handle it cuz I'm such a STUD."

He is so wrong, by the way. I could so handle it. I think. 

I don't know about the swinging part. I heard that in a movie and it seemed to fit. He sure ACTS like it's true. And he is Italian, you know the rumors. 

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, I guess Castellano is gonna check out my undercarriage. That's the overestimating myself part. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with it, but he can't know that. It's a challenge now. And I never back down from a challenge.


	7. Chapter 7

10/18/2012

Okay, sometimes I back down from a challenge. 

But not this time, suckers!

I mean okay I sort of did at first, but Danny wasn't playing fair. I don't know how he knows the things that I'm sensitive about, but I'll be damned if he didn't push all my buttons. I admit it, it got to me. It's one thing to ask super invasive questions (what do I do when I have sex, Danny? Yeah, you only want to know for PROFESSIONAL reasons, sure!) but when he basically predicted my future and deemed it a failure, well... That hurt. 

But I channeled my inner goddess warrior, with a little help from Gwen and amazingly, Morgan. Who knew he would have turned out to be, like, a life coach? 

Gwen had a good point, though. Nobody, including Danny, knows what's going to happen. I don't have to worry over his silly timeline, because I'm a smart, strong woman who deserves to be happy. I know that somewhere out there is the love of my life - I just have to be open to the possibility.

So yeah, I called his bluff. It was priceless. Once I was in control of the situation, he was the one who couldn't handle it. He thought he was so smart, but when push came to shove, he could barely even look me in the boobs. 

I will say, they are fantastic. Bigger men than he have fallen in the face of my powerful cleavage. 

And he couldn't even manage to finish the exam. After I got him to open up and reveal significantly deep information about his life, he realized there's nothing impersonal at all about our friendship. He was totally unable to continue. 

I won. Thank you, Morgan. I'm Beyoncé Pad Thai and I'm OUT!


	8. Chapter 8

10/21/2012

Damn! What a night! 

Shauna begged me to get her in to a club and since I've made it my life's goal to become a role model and mentor to the youth of today, I agreed. It somehow ended up a big office thing. I know, I know - my magnetic personality just draws people in and they have to be around me. 

It cost me a metric fuckton of money, because Betsy doesn't understand English I guess, but it was so worth it. I met a baller. In the VIP room! I mean, I met a lot of actual ballers who are employed in the profession of balling, but this guy - daaaaaamn. 

Josh is a sports attorney, which means he makes money by making other people money, and maybe defending the ones who kill people? I'm a little unclear on the concept. But he's cute and funny and tall and and rich. A quadruple threat. I foresee much rocking of his world in the near future. 

Speaking of which, who would have guessed that Danny, our Danny, angry control freak Danny, could cut loose and dance? Color me impressed. Not just me, apparently - I think Shauna has a crush on him, and he took off with some half naked club chick. The secret life of Danny Castellano? It could be a tv series. Probably a short, boring one. Anyways! He did sweat enough to flood Niagara Falls, but he's got some wicked moves. I'm gonna have to get him to show them off again someday.


	9. Chapter 9

10/31/2012

Josh. What a dreamboat, but... I don't know. We had a day date this morning, and he acted like he didn't even know what that was. I feel like the only women he sees in actual sunlight are the ones he's shuffling out of his bed. But guys who wear glasses are so fucking hot. Josh is just so adorable - can I look past his weird jitteriness? 

Oh and you'll never believe who I saw. Tom. I haven't seen him since the wedding. He actually apologized, and I guess I did too, even though I really I don't think he deserved it, but you know what? Be the bigger person, I always say. Not bigger like in FATTER. I always want there to be someone fatter than me at any social event. Not like I'm a big fat person. You know what I mean. 

Anyway, it's pretty cool how we both moved on and are super happy and we have closure. Oh, and he said something pretty meaningful. He told me not to settle. I didn't even realize that was what I was doing when I was with him, but it totally makes sense now. I need to take that to heart. Ugh. Gotta go do some work, apparently both the guys are off on some mystery date. Danny is a terrible liar.


	10. Chapter 10

11/1/2012 

Halloween is such a stupid holiday. I'm so tired of women just using it as an excuse to dress in tight, revealing outfits. Sexy nurse, sexy mailbox, sexy ear of corn. Women should be able to dress sexy all the time. I know I do. 

I was super moody all day, because I guess Tom (or somebody Tom doesn't know exists) knocked up the Serbian donut queen and now they're having a kid. And he didn't tell me, because I guess deep down inside he still loves me and didn't want me to be hurt. Well, fuck you, Tom. If I wanted a kid, there's like a million randos who would line up for the chance to make gorgeous hot babies with me. But I'm not going to settle, remember? Dumbass. 

Okay, forget him, I already have. I wasn't going to go to Josh's stupid party, but I did, and how cute is this - he found the only Inigo Montoya costume on all of Manhattan because he stalked me and found out my favorite movies. I'm totally Princess Buttercup, and I definitely got my wish last night. Hubba hubba. Didn't get hustled out of the sheets this morning either. Mmmmm.


	11. Chapter 11

11/11/2012

Sorry I haven't been updating! Life has just been a whirlwind of activity. Josh and I are kind of a thing now. I mean, we're hanging out a lot, when he's not flying all over being incredibly successful. I've met the entire team of whatever the team is that makes Danny get so worked up. I offered to get their autographs, because I thought it was the team he likes, not the team that apparently killed a bus full of nuns and orphans, based on his reaction. Last time I try to do anything nice for him!

Speaking of Danny, he actually came over yesterday and helped me. Weird, right? It was unintentional - he was being his normal control freak self and forced Morgan to go back to work where there weren't even any patients, and then he stayed and "built" the bunk bed for Riley. I can't figure that man out, and believe me, I've tried. Anyway, I say "built" because the damned thing collapsed and nearly killed Gwen. 

So he basically broke Gwen's arm and then I was stuck with her kid for hours. And then he met some one eyed chick, so good for him, he got ruin my nice weekend with Gwen and hook up with a desperate housewife or something. Thanks, Danny, for making me the unwilling participant in your stinking rom-com life. 

Oh well. We made the best of it, and Riley isn't too bad of a kid. We have a lot in common, actually. Danny said that's because we're the same age mentally. Ha ha, jokes on you, Castellano. Riley has the mind of a 25 year old genius. We had a fun day in the city and I can actually see myself with one of these small junior humans one day.


	12. Chapter 12

11/21/2012

Fuck. 

Sorry for swearing but I've been full on dating Josh for like three weeks already and apparently I'm the only one who knows it. 

I mean, he's been completely aware of our dating and... stuff. We do a LOT of stuff, by the way. But it's not just me he wants to do stuff with. He doesn't want to be exclusive. He's a rich jet setter and he flies around the nation and girls throw themselves at him. If he wants to bang everything that moves, I guess I can't stop him, but I had no idea. 

I'm not that kind of a girl. One man at a time is my motto. Granted, it may be a succession of consecutive men, but it's always one at a time. 

I just don't think I can continue it with Josh if he can't be happy being with me and just me. I think I'm certainly more than enough, and I really don't see what he'd need to see other girls for - I'm perfectly... let's say, willing and able. Okay, so I'm not that flexible. But I think I make up for it in enthusiasm. 

Guess maybe it's time to turn back in the guy radar. Hmmm, guy radar = gadar! How has no one invented this word yet. I'm so awesome.


	13. Chapter 13

11/23/2012

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I know I did!

I didn't know why I can't celebrate a holiday without drama but there was a little bit and I'm not entirely innocent. Yes, I can admit my flaws, thank you very much. 

I got in a little tiff with Gwen because she hurt my feelings. We have been best friends for so long that we know exactly what things will get to each other. I was feeling vulnerable and sad and she really was supposed to support me but instead she just wanted to drop truth bombs all over me. Ugh. 

Also, I kind of made out with Dennis, and as it happens, I was wearing Gwen's dress. It's not the fault of the dress at all. It's just a long story... I know, it's my blog, but it bores even me. Actually I'm not sure if it was the dress that made Gwen so mad or if it was the actual making out with the dude when his girlfriend was gone, but she got so pissed! It's kind of hilarious in retrospect, except maybe for the cheating-ish part. But it doesn't count as cheating for me because Josh and I weren't exclusive. 

Emphasis on the _weren't._

Josh called me and he was so sweet and get this - he is swearing off other women and just wants me. I think the universe is looking out for me. It's good to be in a mature, healthy relationship at last. Makes me feel like a grownup. It doesn't hurt when your boyfriend is a hottie boombalottie, either. I can't wait for him to get back so I can show him some appreciation.


	14. Chapter 14

11/27/2012

Once again, I am an amazing role model. I no longer fear for the youth of tomorrow as long as they have people like me to act as their mentors. 

I am very proud of my little neighbor/patient today. Due to my guidance, she is going to wait before she loses her beautiful flower. I mean, she'll probably end up losing it by her freshman year in college, but hey, I _am_ a powerful influence, maybe she will wait for marriage. Or Chris Evans. 

I think I helped out a lot of girls today, even if I did it by potentially losing my medical license. Danny was a bit of a savior for me today and that's so unlike him. I think it might be possible but I'm starting to crack his crusty, old, gruff, mean, cocky and rude outer shell. That may seem like a lot of adjectives but it's very important we establish exactly how horrendous he can be. 

But that's not the point of this blog. Josh and I had a conversation and he said, and I quote, maybe he's not a "forever kind of guy." In other words, he doesn't know if he's ever going to get married. On the other hand, I am definitely going to get married, so I need us to be on the same page. 

And how weird is this. Carl, of all people, told me to never settle. Blog, what's up with this? Do I give off the stink of desperation that only men can smell? I'm not going to settle! Stop telling me not to settle, people. I got the hint. 

I think I just need to relax right now. Josh is a special guy and I have faith that he will recognize how truly special I am. I just really wish he would lay off the energy drinks - he's so damn twitchy sometimes.


	15. Chapter 15

12/7/2012

It's so crazy to think that I, a lowly woman, could manage to somehow use my tiny little feminine brain and get through high school and college and medical school and residency. Because obviously all I know is shopping, right? I couldn't possibly have the wisdom and intelligence to help keep a medical practice running smoothly. 

Ugh, sorry, I'm just tired and cranky from working nonstop and then having to deal with the tag team of dumb and dumber, and I'm bummed out that Dr. Schulman decided to leave. He has been a huge influence on my career and I always felt like I would be his successor someday. Just not, you know, now.

So Danny and Jeremy just took over. I can't believe the two of them decided to make all the decisions for the practice without consulting me. 

Okay, I can believe it. It's exactly not like they've shown me a lot of respect in the past. 

I think I managed to make a little headway on that today. Apparently, the midwhiffers came down and bulldozed them - Betsy said that Danny turned all sorts of green and Jeremy, he just tucked his tail between his legs and ran. I probably would have let them continue to sink except apparently if the practice fails, I'm on the damn hook. Plus, I'm not about to let any damn sexy not-even-real-doctors take my patients. 

Anyway, I rule.


	16. Chapter 16

12/21/2012

Sorry, sorry, things have been so crazy. I've seen Josh maybe three times in the last two weeks. It's hella frustrating, because if I'm not working, he's off somewhere doing something. I hate that even when he's finally in town, I end up pulling double duty at the hospital. His job is important, my job is important, but I need us to be important too. I just have to spend some quality time with him, but I guess right now I take what I can get

So, we're throwing the company Christmas party at my place. At least we'll have a chance to enjoy the weekend and everyone will finally get to meet him. It's going to be so awesome! I made up adorable gift bags for everyone with our pictures on them, and Morgan is bringing his karaoke machine and I guess Danny is going to make a cake? Never pictured him as a baker. The man just never stops being surprising, and yet he's still dull as a box of rocks! 

Okay, that was uncalled for. He's mildly more interesting than a box of rocks. I kid, I kid. I'm sure if you peel enough layers off, there's something going on under there. That sounded sexual. I meant like an onion, but hey, maybe the other works too. Alright, I have definitely been undersexed these past few weeks if I'm even entertaining the image of Danny naked. Geez, brain, knock it off! I promise, if you just reel it back in, I'll get you taken care of. And not just you, brain. South brain will get attention too. 

I've got something special planned for Josh after the party. I won't go into detail but let's just say someone is going to have sore wrists tomorrow night. Because of handcuffs. That's not too much detail, is it? Seriously. I need to get laid.


	17. Chapter 17

12/23/2012

It's happened. 

I'm officially an idiot. 

Merry Christmas. 

12/23/2012

I guess I should explain what happened, even if just so I can look at this one day and laugh. 

Oh, who am I kidding. I'm never going to laugh again. 

You know how they say when something seems too good to be true, it probably is? They weren't fucking lying. But you know who was fucking lying? Josh. Beautiful, sexy, sweet, motherfucking piece of rancid shit Josh. Yeah, I'm a little angry. 

So, that whole exclusive thing was just bullshit and he's had a girlfriend for like two years. He **lives** with her. How the hell could I be so stupid? I look back and see so many inconsistencies, it all makes a horrible, ugly kind of sense now. Oh baby, let's go to your place, it's closer, I have no food in my fridge. Oh honey, let's splurge for a hotel, I know you like the room service.

But why did he even do this? Yeah, his girlfriend is psychotic but come on. You don't just jump into a new relationship without ending the prior one, that's just all kinds of wrong. He lied to her, he lied to me, there's no getting around it. And who knows how far he was going to take it. No wonder he didn't "believe in marriage." It's New York, not Utah. 

Obviously I dumped him. It sucks. He sucks. Love sucks. 

It's times like these I really appreciate my friends. Everyone stayed and helped make things right, even though I was so embarrassed and humiliated. They still love me. I can't even believe that Danny got me through this mess - Danny, of all people! He gave up a hot date to stay and pull me off the ledge, and I will always be thankful for that. I think I can truly call him a real friend, and that seems like it's been a long time coming. He even wanted to leave me the gingerbread house he made, but I couldn't keep it - I just knew one bottle of wine and I'd decimate that thing into rubble. Jeremy offered to take it, so I let him - gosh, his eyes lit up like a little kid. Who knew he was so into architecture?

Anyway - that's all she wrote for Josh, literally. He no longer exists to me. 

I'm looking forward to 2013. Here's to a fresh start!


	18. Chapter 18

1/12/2013

Rishi came to visit! Oh gosh, I love that little boy so much. I can't believe he's actually an adult - because he doesn't act like one. I mean, seriously, how immature do you have to be where I'm the mature one of the two? He's going to ruin my reputation. 

Okay, so I nearly had to beat the snot out of him. Who drops out of Stanford to become a rapper? What kind of street cred is he going to have anyway? There's only room for one Drake in this world. I mean, he _is_ pretty good. I even went on stage with him and busted a few rhymes. No, I don't feel incredibly old saying that. Shut up. 

I had to take the hard line. Tough love. But he finally made the right decision, and by that, I mean he did what I want. He can do two amazing things, just like me. I'm an established medical practitioner and probably soon a world famous motivational speaker. 

Speaking of brothers, I went to get stoned, ha ha, at the holistic center for loons and quackery. It didn't help my stress barfs at all, but it gave me a little food for thought. I don't think I want the guys at work to know I went there. I certainly don't need to hear them complain more about witch doctoring and such, though I don't know that they're wrong. It just gets old after a while. We've reached some kind of truce at this point, where they aren't actively soliciting our patients and we aren't actively turning them in to the medical board. I think we need to just leave it at that.


	19. Chapter 19

1/17/2013

Huh. 

I might have somewhat upset that whole "status quo" thing with the midwives. 

It was... accidental. Well, maybe not the right word. Inadvertent?

See, Jeremy and I were talking, and he convinced me that I needed to get a little less obsessed over meeting Mr. Right and go find Mr. Right Now. It's just such a strange concept to me - all my life I've had this idea that I'd find the man of my dreams and he would sweep me off my feet. But it hasn't happened yet, and all I've been doing is working, and things are... dry in the old love department. Ugh. 

So it's not such a bad idea to find someone to hook up with just for a little casual fun. Right? It seems like everyone does it, and I'm missing out. But I don't want to go hanging out in bars, or worse, looking on Craigslist - do you know how many people get murdered off Craigslist every year? It has to be millions. 

So I bumped into Brendan, and he was being a prick like always, and Jeremy did say find someone you don't respect... I literally could not respect him less. And he is hot, in that almost doughy, he could be someone's dad kinda way, and, well... I propositioned him. I know, I know. But when I told the girls they were all for it so it gave me a little more motivation. 

Oh! And guess who I met!? Danny's girlfriend! She is smoking hot, and way, way, WAY too young for Danny. He was probably already an old man when she was born! I can't see them having anything in common. She's super cool, like me, and obviously it's not going to work out. Really, she and I should be hanging out, not Danny. 

Well, wish me luck. Oh, and it made a video, in case he turns out to be the Manhattan Mangler or something like that. I hope that serial killer name isn't already taken.


	20. Chapter 20

1/18/2013

I don't... Okay. Maybe I'm not good at this casual thing. 

Brendan is such a conundrum. He's obviously smart, too smart for his own good really, but he believes such ridiculous stuff that it makes no sense. He's sexy as hell but a complete cheeseball. And he's allegedly well off, but he lives with his freaking brother. 

Who, by the way, came home right when we were getting it on. And he brought Morgan, who is a big old cockblock. Possibly king of the cockblocks, with a cockblock castle and a cockblock throne and dozens of tiny cockblocking dogs. The yippy kind, like Paris Hilton used to carry around. I'm not sure whether to thank him or punch him for it, but it goes without saying, Mindy Lahiri did not get some last night. It's a small consolation that from the looks of things, I wasn't the only one. Danny bailed on his girlfriend's performance art or whatever. Can you even imagine Danny at something like that? He would be so lost. This isn't music! Where's the Springsteen? Help, people are touching me! Oh God, I want to watch. 

Anyway. The midwife. What to do, what to do... I will say that he earned a tiny bit of respect for talking Morgan through his asthma attack. Which isn't good, right? I shouldn't have any respect for him if I want to give him a whirl. 

Like I said - I'm not good at this casual thing. But I still kinda wanna bang Brendan.


	21. Chapter 21

1/29/2013

Progress! Of sorts. Since I last wrote, Brendan and I hooked up... Twice. Not like, twice in the same night, well yeah, that too, but also two separate occasions. So it's not a one night stand, exactly, but he said he's not really interested in dating. It's a weird kind of thing, but what else should I expect from a guy who honestly thinks women should push their babies out into a pond. 

But anyway, I don't know. I don't want to just be a booty call. That doesn't feel casual, it just feels a bit icky. And, well... It wasn't that good, okay? I don't know if it's my whole issue about needing to have feelings for the people I sleep with, or if he's just not that skilled. I kind of envisioned with the new age stuff it would be like Sting and we'd be going at it for four hours. Nope. Try four minutes. Not on my part though. The next time was better, he remembered I was in the room, but still... Is it wrong that I expect someone who was educated about female anatomy to be able to demonstrate that? This was not an issue with Jeremy. 

Speaking of weird, I met a guy at Colin's party. That's not the weird part. It's that he has a female best friend. Now, if there's one thing I believe truly and deeply, it's everything that Billy Crystal has ever said, so it's hard for me to accept that a girl and a guy can really be that close without wanting something more. 

But he asked me out, and I see no reason not to go. He's cute and smart and hey, if his BFF doesn't want him, more the better! She seemed pretty cool. 

Maybe I'll fix her up with Danny, if he blows it with Eyepatch. I mean, blows it again. She already dumped him but he's going to try to win her back. I knew it wouldn't last, but I'm really surprised at how careless Danny was about the whole thing. It's like he barely paid attention to her, and there's only so much a girl can take of that before it gets annoying. A man his age really should know more about what women want.


	22. Chapter 22

2/9/2013

Blah... 

Okay, I went out with Jamie and for a while it was great. We had dinner, and the conversation just flowed , and I don't know, I thought we had chemistry. You know how sometimes you feel that click and it seems so easy? Yeah, we had that. Until his BFF Lucy called. 

Seriously, during the date? You text, you don't call! That's just common etiquette. I felt like it was a little passive aggressive of her, and that made me wonder. They've known each other fifteen years, and she can't wait till the date is over to chat? Yeah. Fishy. 

So I pulled a little passive aggressive stunt of my own and bailed on him and hooked up with Brendan again after dinner. I'm just, like, so good at making bad decisions! Of course I didn't really consider it a bad decision at the time, because I never do, I just wait for the fallout and then kick myself. And incidentally, third time is NOT the charm. 

The fallout? I was hanging out with Maggie and I bumped into Mr. I Don't Believe in Dating, and suprise surprise, he was on a date. 

Oh, shocking, I know, a guy treated me like crap. Deja frickin vu. How is this my life? I'm some kind of an asshole magnet. Granted, I was the one who started the whole thing, and I did specifically intend to keep it casual, but still. He could have been honest. I'm tired of dishonesty. I'm tired of finding Mr. Wrong. 

Maggie was right, though. He was just filling space. It was just supposed to be space in my bed, not in my heart. I need to keep from getting attached - I am not a lamprey. 

I'm going to see if maybe Jamie will give me another shot. Do I have to ask permission from Lucy? God, I hope not.


	23. Chapter 23

2/11/2014

Okay, it's on. Jamie and I went to MOMA and spent the afternoon just looking at the bizarre crap people call art. I mean some of it was cool. I'd totally wear Jackson Pollock if he had designed clothes. But it was more just a chance to hang out with Jamie and get to know each other, just the TWO of us. Of course we ran into Lucy afterwards, and geez, I guess I can see why people thought they were a couple. They don't actively express feelings for each other, it's more subtle. They just deeply care about each other and know each other so well. It leaves me a little rattled. It's hard to believe people can be that close and just be friends. 

Speaking of friends, my dear Danny Castellano is not dealing with his breakup well at all. I found him all drunk and half naked and sweaty, and not in a good way, in his office. Believe me, if I didn't think tighty whiteys were a fashion crime before, I do now. 

I'm not sure why he's taking it so hard. It really didn't seem like he was all that invested in her when they were together. She was a babe, sure, but I didn't see any chemistry between them. Hell, Jamie and Lucy have more chemistry. Danny won't talk to me about his sex life, which annoying, because I can't very well tell him all about mine if he won't reciprocate. But they were probably not compatible sexually. She seemed... adventurous. I bet she has piercings, and I'm not talking earrings! And can i just say, ouch? In my line of work I've had to deal with more than one unfortunate result of impulse piercing. Anyway, Danny. I think he's more upset because he has to deal with another failed relationship, not because of that specific girl. He's kind of a mess. Poor damaged Danny, he's like a bird with a broken wing. 

So I fixed him up with Lucy! We're going to go on a double date on Valentines Day. I know, that's kind of a loaded day for a first date, but it's a dream scenario. If they hit it off and fall in love, and Jamie and I fall in love, which is almost a done deal, then it's perfect. We can be those couples that up hang out and have dinner and vacations and raise our kids together in suburbia. 

I hope Danny doesn't mess it up.


	24. Chapter 24

2/15/2013

Oh man. 

Yes, it was a super romantic Valentines day, with declarations of love and hot passionate kisses. 

Of course, I wasn't involved in ANY of it. Directly, at least, though I was apparently the catalyst. Yay me. 

Yeah, sometimes I really should listen to those little voices in my head. The ones that say, hey, these two idiots are in love and just don't know it. I mean, all the signs were there, it just apparently took ME to point them out. At the Empire State Building, that legendary bastion of romance - at least I didn't let him ruin it for me. 

So, Jamie and Lucy are actually Jamie and Lucy now, and oh hello, single life, gee, here we are again. Best pals. What's that, sex? No, no, I'm afraid I won't be visiting your neighborhood any time soon. Unless I can come by myself? Ha ha. At least that's a better option than hooking up with a midwife. 

I feel kind of bad for setting Danny up for failure, too. Though he didn't seem that upset, even though he did end the date digging for change in her tonsils. After the bizarre declarations of love from those two kooky kids, Danny dragged me off to avoid a scene. Smart guy. He took me the to place he met his ex-wife, which was sweet and a little sad. A warm heart does beat under that cranky exterior, it just isn't exactly something he puts on display. I get it, though. He went through some rough shit and he doesn't want to get hurt again. But as a result, he's really lonely. I hope someday he can find what he's looking for. 

I guess it goes without saying that I hope someday I do, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this whole updating daily thing? I knew it was crazy, I just didn't know HOW crazy. So in order to keep everyone sane I'm going to update 2x a week instead. So this is the last daily update and I will start doing Wed and Sun updates from here on out. Same format, just a bit less hectic of a pace. :)


	25. Chapter 25

2/24/2013

I really didn't want to have a party for my birthday this year. 

I was supposed to have a blind date, but ha ha, oh my jolly friends decided to throw me a surprise party. Morgan catfished me, pretending to be my dream guy and ending up being my co-worker - SO not cool. 

Dinner was less than spectacular. Spending two hours eating and having my glaring flaws pointed out by all my friends is just the best way to celebrate turning a year older. Well, second to having hot pokers shoved in my eyes. 

I know they meant well, but people, read the room. And Danny was so smug, as usual. He just loves being right. Well there are more important things than being right - how about being kind? Ugh. So I bailed on them, which was my bad.

But some good came out of the evening. I actually ran into Beverly, and she helped me out of a fix. I rehired her - not as a nurse, dear god, no. Brendan apologized for treating me shitty, which I appreciated. It's closure, and makes me feel like less of an idiot. He bought me stars. That's pretty cool.

Oh, and get this - Danny fell in a manhole and broke his ankle while he was hitting on my friend Alex. They all came looking for me, which was really sweet. They do care about me, even if they suck at showing it. Maybe not Maggie. 

So Danny and Alex, I guess they're going to go out. I don't want to warn her off, it's not my place, but she has no idea what she's getting into with him. Who knows, maybe she'll be good for him. 

3/10/2103

I was offered an amazing position on the Channel 8 news. Medical correspondent. Imagine the possibilities! I'm pretty sure this is how Dr. Oz started. I don't think he had a puppet though. 

Well, it didn't work out as planned. I was faced with a choice, and I chose my patient over the news spot. You'd think I would have earned, like, good karma for that? Especially since the patient is my least favorite patient ever, including the freeze dried cat I had to dissect in high school biology. 

So Danny took over for me and it was... not good. He tried his best but he just doesn't have the natural presence that I have, the ability to capture an audience and make them worship me. 

I keep thinking they'll call to schedule me to appear again, well, for the first time really, but they haven't. I'm starting to worry that Danny said vagina one time too many. 

Kelsey had a healthy baby boy with almost no drama. That's really what's important after all. She won't go to the midwives, I just know it. 

And thank you, Morgan. I do have a juicy ass. Just... don't say it again. Okay?


	26. Chapter 26

3/12/2013

I'm so excited - my childhood friend from summer camp came to visit!

Sam was my first kinda boyfriend. We hung out that summer and kissed in the dusk while hunting fireflies. 

We still have the same chemistry as we did as kids. Well, maybe even more, since we're functional adults and have both gone through puberty. He isn't exactly what I envisioned as my dream guy, because he's not a high powered lawyer who secretly fights crime, but he's sweet and funny and charming. He's also pretty much unavailable, because tomorrow, he goes back to Afghanistan. 

It's kind of a cosmic joke, really. Oh hey, cute guy who gets me, let's rekindle our very, very old flame and then you go back to living in a desert for another year and a half. Oh, but you can smell like my hair products! 

Ugh. I really like him. We just clicked. Everyone at work likes him, in fact, they gave me a lot of grief when I came back to work. But what's the point of having one day of happiness when tomorrow we split apart again? Though I will say, if he gives his life for this great country, me being the last thing on his mind is a pretty awesome legacy. 

Hmm. Okay, I'm going to find him. He deserves to spend possibly the last 24 hours in the US with me. As long as I don't get attached things should be fine. 

3/13/2013

I got attached. 

I know. I'm kind of an idiot. 

I should never watch Nora Ephron movies with a guy I'm not deeply attached to, because they stir up all kinds of difficult feelings and I'm not good at controlling myself already. 

Sam sprained his ankle helping me and I really, really wish it was more serious. Yes, I'm aware that is extremely selfish of me and I don't care. I just wanted him to stay. He's a good guy and I deserve a good guy and he deserves a pretty okay chick like me. But we can't always get what we want and that stinks. 

He did write me a pretty sweet goodbye note and now he's off fighting for our freedoms and stuff. In another time, in another place, we could have been fantastic. 

To change the subject before I start to cry, Danny freaked me out on a whole different level. He was actually going to donate his seed to a couple who were doing in vitro. First of all, it was highly inappropriate for that couple to ask him, and secondly, he should have politely declined. 

It's not even that he'd be okay with such a tremendous breach of medical ethics (but come on, that's my job!) It's why he said yes in the first place. He said he doesn't think he'll ever be a dad. How messed up is that? For one thing, guys can have kids till they are basically dead, thanks to that little blue pill. 

But it's so sad to me that he even thinks that way. Like he's just too ruined to even be able to have a family. I mean, if he didn't want kids because they're obnoxious, messy, spoiled little soul vampires that drain you of all your time and money, that would be fine. But I think he does want kids, and just can't imagine it happening, or that he would be good at it, or whatever. 

I know, he "practically raised" his brother, fine, he's been there, done that. Fine. But I've seen how he acts with kids, seen the pride on his face when he talks about Richie, hell, the man is an obstetrician! You can't tell me he doesn't want kids. He just doesn't think he deserves to want them. Sigh. 

3/22/2013 

Okay, super weirdness. Guess who showed up at my apartment? HEATHER. Josh's girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend, other ex-girlfriend. She came over with a home baked pie and she wants to move into my building. I'm getting a serious Single White Female vibe from her. I know I should be the bigger person here - I mean, she apologized for flipping out on me and told me she knew it wasn't my fault, which it wasn't, because I didn't know he was such a scumbag. He was cheating on us BOTH it seems. I guess energy drinks really do give you energy, because how the hell can someone juggle so many chicks at once? 

Ugh. I just don't want her moving in - she's an established loony tune, for one, and I really don't want a constant reminder of that dismal excuse of a relationship. It's like Josh is a specter that haunts me and he's not even dead! That's not fair! 

So it's really not wrong for me to kind of intervene? It's probably best for us both. 

Speaking of interventions, Jeremy found some suspicious activity with the script pads and linked it back to Danny. We all assumed he was a junkie because wouldn't self medicating his woes away just totally make sense? It would be such a beautiful, tragic, dramatic thing that we would all have to help him through, but eh. No such luck. Apparently he's just prescribing shit for a rando criminal childhood friend and that's so illegal and non-romantic. Fortunately Danny agreed to knock it off. The last thing I need is to get involved in some kind of medical licensing board scandal. 

Oh well. When all else fails, go shopping. I'm heading out to get some sweet kicks.


	27. Chapter 27

3/23/2013

Please, won't someone remind me that no good ever comes from making out with guys I've just met! Especially in dessert related facilities. 

Stephen, the gritty but tender hearted working class tough that befriended me over nuts and sprinkles ended up being Stevie, Danny's felonious island rat. And apparently Danny didn't even cut him off, just gave him some story about his terrible partners, so the guy thought he'd come lean on me and ended up falling for me, because duh. 

Danny kind of freaked out when he put two and two together. Obviously I'm not going to hook up with a criminal, but he seemed overly concerned about the possibility, and also I seriously caught him looking at my boobs. Yeah, I was changing in front of him but hello, we are adults and he didn't have to look. He's so obsessed with me. 

I'm not gonna lie, I would have kinda been pissed if he hadn't. Is that wrong?

And ugh, stupid Danny gave me a guilt trip about Amy and HONESTY and so I had to admit I was kind of a bitch and then she attacked me again and now she's gonna live in my building and I got absolutely nothing out of this! Except the knowledge that I was able to be a mature adult. That's not really enough. 

Okay, okay, maybe it's enough that I'm a better person for it. It's funny, I set off to try and make Danny do the right thing and he ends up doing that back to me. There's a kind of poetry in that, aside from the fact that both of us could have avoided the whole lesson if we had just not screwed things up in the first place. Huh. 

Well, I am grateful that I'm not going to lose my job, and also, I'm grateful that I got to see how adorable and chunky Danny was as a child. He was like that kid in Willie Wonka, only not as blue. Lil D. I love it. 

3/29/2013

I am so glad no one ever reads this thing because oh my GOD I don't want anyone to know this but I have to talk about it! Stupid Alex didn't want to go out because she was with stupid Danny and how did that really become a thing? But it's been so long since I did any anything fun and I went to this club and there was this hot guy and oh god. I took him home with me and he wanted money. MONEY. For sex. 

I DID NOT have sex with him. Yeah I guess maybe I would have, I mean, if it was free, but what the hell!? He was a HOOKER. I kissed a guy who gets paid for it. I feel so unclean. 

Okay. I realize this is a very narrow minded attitude towards the sex industry. Sex is a beautiful and natural thing, and sometimes people pay for beautiful and natural things, and in a perfect world there would be no judgement and everyone could use their bodies however they wanted without degradation or exploitation. 

That said - eeewwww, eeewwww, I totally made out with a prostitute. 

And if one humiliation wasn't enough, it just kept piling on. First Brendan shows up in the office and makes all these comments about forgiveness and starting over and NOPE. Not gonna happen even if you buy me Jupiter, you weirdo. Danny was being all strange about him and making these comments and they both just pissed me off. 

Then I go to lunch with the girls and find out Alex and Danny are having a dinner party and didn't invite me. That's like the meanest thing ever. They even invited Maggie and she's a complete loser. I mean that with love of course. 

I'm so mad at Danny right now. It's bad enough to not want me there, but to lie to me? And to make my friends lie? Because, and I quote, the guys I date are "dicks." Oh really, Danny? Would they throw a party and not invite their girlfriend's best friend? Really, who's the dick in this scenario?

I guess it's because of Brendan after all. Somehow he saw us on my birthday "going at it" which is crazy because the douchebag just kissed me on the cheek but of course drama queen Danny makes a huge deal of it. He's an enemy of the practice, how could I, blah blah blah. As though people can't separate their private life from their professional life? 

3/30/2013

You know, things just seem to go from bad to worse for me. 

And worst of all, I still had to pay the damn hooker. 

Thing is, Adam totally has the potential to be so much more, and I'm the kind of person who sees that in people and wants to support them. That's a good thing! And yes, maybe it was not the brightest idea to bring him to Danny's party, but I wanted him to see that I don't just date guys who are "dicks." I didn't intend for him to find out his profession involved dick, but well, he was kind of a loose cannon. 

Danny was weird and edgy the whole party, and he freaked out when I went into his secret lair and touched his books and learned he has dandruff. Like that's a big deal, who hasn't had it a time or two or all the time? He keeps everything to himself like a little gollum and then bitches at you for not telling him all your secrets. I should have told him about Brendan but he doesn't even tell his girlfriend he was married before? 

I do feel bad for inadvertently driving a wedge between Danny and Alex. I mean, they were probably destined to crash and burn anyway, and really it was Danny's inability to be honest and open that ultimately doomed the relationship, but I didn't want to be the catalyst. 

I didn't know he smoked, either. Gross. 

Anyway, he got really mad at me, which I guess is fair, and he was mean, which was not at all fair. He said he didn't ask to be my friend. Well, you know what? I've tried really, really hard to make him my friend, and he's stuck with me. Yes, sometimes I make bad choices. Everyone does! At least I'm not killing myself with cancer sticks, Danny! 

I refuse to feel bad for seeing the best in people. Even prostitutes, and ex-convicts, and yes, even grouchy, sweaty, closed off Italian men. So I'm going to forgive Danny for being mean and hurtful and I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me too. 

4/7/2013

Oh, my dear blog. I am a sucker for a smooth line and a quirked eyebrow. 

I'm even a bigger sucker for a long, tall drink of water who takes me to a very classy restaurant and doesn't spend too much time looking down my shirt. And that would be Casey. 

Yes, I met him on the subway. I spend more of my free time there than anywhere else, so it's only natural I'd eventually find the perfect man there. 

Perfect is not a compliment. He's too good. As in, too good for me. At least in his mind, but he was happy to share his opinion. 

I suppose I should have been tipped off when he prayed at dinner. It was only slightly awkward. The guy is a minister, and obviously, I'm not part of his crowd. But you know, I'm open minded and he seemed like a cool enough dude so I thought I'd check out what his gig was like. I asked Danny to come along, since he likes to pass judgement on my romantic interests anyway, and what better place for that than a church? 

Rishi is here for spring break and he didn't like the idea. He doesn't think I should change for a guy. I don't think that's what I'm doing - I'm just exploring my options. 

Anyway, the church thing was... intense. He looked like a rock star. I felt like a groupie, only like, a really righteous one. Danny wasn't thrilled with the whole "nontraditional" aspect - he acted like we were all gonna be struck by lightning any minute - but I totally got it. You have to speak people's language if you want them to hear your message. 

And Casey got his message across really, really well. Well, I refuse to believe I'm not a good person. I wish everyone could just see me the way I see me. 


	28. Chapter 28

4/8/2013

I am a good person. I don't need anyone to tell me that, because I know it. 

But it does matter, just a little, that other people know that too, so I decided to go along with the office visit to the women's prison. It was quite an experience. It's good for me to confront my fears, and believe me, being trapped in a confined area with no fashion options and limited hair care products is one of my biggest fears. Maybe the biggest. 

It was all going so well, and I was really feeling like I was doing something good. Unfortunately, things went a little bit awry and next thing I know, I'm on the receiving end of a prison barber and hello,this is not a good look for me. 

So yeah. I was kinda doing something good to impress a boy. I'm still an awkward fifteen year old at heart. There are worse reasons to be a good person, right? And Danny did point out that religion is really just people doing good to impress the man upstairs (man/woman/transcendent being/whatever.)

Anyway, it made me feel better. 

Long story short, I'm sitting with my baby bro grubbing on some damn fine burritos when here comes the fine Pastor Casey, and I'm sporting stitches and gross hair. Perfect. 

But he apologized, and you know what? There's something there. I just have a feeling there's more to this story. 

4/22/2013

Yeah, I have been slacking big time on this bloggy deal, but I've been busy. Work has been crazy, and, well...

Casey. 

Yeah, we've been dating for a few weeks now, and it's kind of amazing. He's amazing. He's so sweet and funny and just so adorable. Also, and this kind of surprised me, seeing as he's got that whole religion thing going, but apparently his version of it allows for unmarried people to be as one. In bed. I mean sex. 

So yeah, that's happening and it's good. Like, thank you Jesus, it's good. And that's not blasphemous of me because I'm Hindu. 

So absolutely the last thing I needed to rattle me when I'm still in that sweet, sweet, we-can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other phase of a new relationship is to hear from the groaning old corpse of an old one. 

The worst one. 

Josh. 

He lives in New Mexico now, which is coincidentally the location of the conference I'm flying to right now, and he wants to meet with me. I don't trust him. He's just the sort to think that I'll become his side piece again, and it's only tempting to meet up with him so I can reject him face to face. 

I talked to Casey and he thinks it's a good idea, which is, wow. He says I can get closure and that's healthy. And he isn't jealous at all, which is so hot. I mean, yeah, jealousy is hot too, but confidence and trust? Boom, instant panty dropper. We've only been together a few weeks but he's already got such faith in me and I didn't even have to earn it. It just come from being a man of the cloth. Either that or he's incredibly naive. 

Danny, on the other hand, thinks it's a terrible idea. He doesn't even believe in closure. How's that working out for you, bitter divorced guy with father issues? Okay, that was mean. But seriously Danny, I've known you for years and you don't believe in me? That's a bit hurtful. I'm not going to mess things up with Casey and fall back into bad patterns just from seeing the idiot again. I just want to know why he did what he did. I'm trying to let go of some of my anger and recover from the damage it's done. Look into it, would ya?

4/29/2013

Okay, so I went to visit Josh. It was different from what I had expected. For one thing, dude's in rehab. And not for sex addiction, which would have made sense, but for a coke habit. Which also makes sense. I guess it wasn't just the energy drinks that allowed him to juggle three... No, FOUR, women at once. 

Danny came with me, which was weird,but it wasn't the weirdest thing... I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Anyway, so Josh apologized for his behavior when he was on drugs, and even told me a few things I wasn't aware of, and my god, he really is human garbage. He even tried to make it out to be my fault that I "let" all this happen because I ignore things. i thought part of getting better was to admit your flaws or whatever... Knowing Josh he made a shortcut through the twelve steps. 

I know I can see the good in anyone but it's really, really hard to see anything in good in Josh. Even in rehab he's a major douche, and that is something I can't ignore. 

Josh did say something else that threw me off a little. He says he always thought Danny and I had a "thing." What the hell? Yeah, we have a friend thing, and that's tenuous at times. Josh is stupid. I was going to tell Danny because I thought he would laugh - I mean, really, it's ridiculous. Isn't it? Danny and me. Okay, I am not gonna lie, he's not entirely unappealing. He's a solid dude, loyal and hard working, sure - and when he's ready to open up and let someone in, they won't be getting a terrible deal. 

We're heading back home today and I can't wait to see Casey. I know he's going to be so proud of me. 

Side note - Danny's hands are surprisingly soft. Not nearly as sweaty as you'd think. That's all I'm going to say about that.


	29. Chapter 29

5/4/2013

Holy shit. Things are nuts right now. 

Danny's ex-wife showed up at the office. Wow wow wow. 

She is nothing like I imagined. She looks like she stepped out of a Truffaut movie, all cool and sleek and elegant. I don't think she's ever, like, sweated in her life. How in the world did she and Danny ever get together?

It turns out Morgan found a love letter in Danny's drawer that he wrote a million years ago, and he mailed it, which was idiotic but also amazingly sweet. But of course, Danny wigged out and fired Morgan, which sucks, because now I have to take his place in this stupid triathlon, and also because it's Morgan. 

Anyway, the ex, Christina, she wants Danny back and of course he's refusing to have anything to do with her. In a way, I get it, because she hurt him so badly, but on the other hand, he's kind of wrecked for other women anyway, so maybe he should just forgive her and see if they still have something there. 

On the Casey front, he asked me if I'd ever convert to Christianity. I can't decide in whether to be flattered or annoyed. I mean, the fact that's he's considering something as long term as the afterlife is... wow. We've been together a month. That's fast even for me. 

5/5/2013 

So, I made a pretty firm decision about my future. I told Casey that I couldn't convert. He didn't take it very well at first, but I think he understands how important it is to me to be true to myself. 

The triathlon didn't go so great. By the time I got there, there was some weird homoeroticism going on with Brendan and Danny. I guess Danny pulled a muscle and Brendan tried to fix it in a very strange way... It kinda makes sense why Brendan and I didn't work out.

I talked a little to Danny about Christina and I think maybe he's going to at least try and get some closure. I hope he can figure things out. He deserves to be happy. 

6/11/2013

This sucks. I just broke it off with Casey. 

He told me he's going to Haiti. For a year. A year! That's like, six times as long as we've been together. We just had our two monthiversary! 

I can't even believe he thinks it's no big deal. But it is. I can't wait around a year hoping Mr. Perfect comes back to me. 

Okay, I'm not gonna say that I **love** Casey. Not yet. I mean, I love him, and I love a lot of things about him, but I'm not in love love with him. I care a lot about him, enough to want to drink bottles of wine and sob through every Julia Roberts movie that involves dying. Can I see us together forever like the old people in Cocoon? I think so. Am I willing to go for twelve months on separate continents, without so much as the touch of his hand, never mind his enormous... 

You know, I know it sounds like I'm being selfish. Because I AM being selfish. I can't do this. 

Meanwhile, to add insult to injury, Danny is back together with Christina. It's not like I want him to be unhappy, but geez, he's always been so reliable in that, so he could at least commiserate. Nope, now he's all domestic, and I just don't know. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to interfere in his life so much. I'm just not convinced he's really happy. 

6/12/2013

So, I guess it's time to admit that my days of college keggers are behind me. And it's not like they were ever in front of me, so somehow I just missed the window entirely. 

That's not to say it wasn't kind of fun watching two men fight over me. It was very fun, actually, though my baby got a little bruised. I'll have to nurse him back to health. 

How is he my baby again, you ask? Well, no, you don't, because again, no one is reading this.  
But anyway, after going to that party with Katie and helping her find her motivation to be a proud, independent woman, I felt pretty okay about my decision to break up with Casey. 

Then this morning he came to the office and told me why he was going to Haiti now, when our relationship is barely a thing. Jesus. He talked about marriage and babies. I could feel my ovaries exploding. 

So we're gonna try this long distance thing. I've never done it before, and it's scary, but it's even scarier to think if I don't, I could be missing out on something amazing with this guy. 

Oh, and Morgan is back! I guess Danny forgave him, and he forgave Danny, and now we have an extra nurse but that's okay. Better to have office harmony, even if it's getting a little crowded in Phlebotomy.


	30. Chapter 30

6/26/2013

I'm going to Haiti!!

I know, it's crazy. It's crazy! But it feels right. I just couldn't imagine trying to pull off a year of long distance pining for each other, and Skyping is... Ugh. It's terrible. I don't even think they have high speed internet, except maybe in Starbucks, and I'm not sexing my man while he's drinking coffee in public. 

Do they even have Starbucks in Haiti? Oh god, if they don't...

Okay. I'm going to have to get used to living differently. But it's just a year. Yes, I know three seconds ago I said a year was too long to go without my man, and now I'm saying a year without Project Runway and lattes is NBD. 

Oh god. Bear claws. They have to have some kind of Haitian equivalent, right? I googled the French for bear claw and it's bear claw. 

Whatever. This is not about me. This is about contributing to the world and helping people and also maybe moving forward in a really important, maybe permanent relationship with someone who I almost love. I mean, if we can make it through this, a year of squalid, cramped conditions and grueling mental and physical strain, then we must totally be meant to be. 

Danny thinks I'm not ready for this, but what does he know, really? I'm going to prove it to him, even though I don't need to, because it's none of his business. But Casey and I are going to join him on his little wilderness retreat camping trip with Christina. 

I still can't get a read on her. Danny is turning himself inside out to try and make it work, and that's great, but what is she doing to earn that? I know I don't really know her, and she was the one trying hard at first, but it's like once she got her claws back into him, she started to mold and manipulate things to be all her way. 

I don't know why it matters to me. I mean, he's a good friend and I want him to be happy, but really it's none of my business either. I guess if I don't want him judging my decisions with Casey, I need to not judge his with Christina. Easier said than done, of course. 

I need a Haiti wardrobe. Sensible shoes, ugh. Scrubs, jeans, hair care products. I have to leave the bling behind. I hope Casey still wants me when I'm dowdy! Oh, who am I kidding. You can't hide this light under a bush, or however that saying goes. 

Oh god... Do they even wax in Haiti? This is serious, I can't go that natural. 

6/29/2013

I'm not going to Haiti. 

I just can't. That camping trip, it amplified all my fears about going out to that godforsaken country and being trapped in a tiny space and oh god, oh god. I'm claustrophobic thinking about it. And it's not just the space. It's just so much Casey and he's such a huge presence and I don't think I can breathe. 

I screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. I just want it to be us, having a normal relationship in a normal place with a normal timeline and not this weird pressure. I don't want him to go. I couldn't ask him not to go because that wouldn't be fair and he'd say no and I'd resent him, or he'd say yes and he'd resent me, and either way it's bad. 

I talked to Danny and he's freakin out a little about the whole Christina thing, which he should be, because geez, he took her back way too quickly. And now they're going to move in together. He says he's happy, but I know Danny, and this isn't happy Danny. Not that I'm particularly familiar with happy Danny. Maybe it's been so long, he isn't either. 

So I thought maybe if I pushed Casey, he'd back off, but it didn't work that way. He's such a believer that he believed me, and believed in me, way more than he should have, and I hurt him. I can't keep letting my fear stand in the way. I have to fix this. 

 

6/30/2013

I am going to Haiti! I am! For real! I cut off all my hair and everything. 

Casey, bless him, he forgave me for my stupidity and recklessness and he really does believe in me. I'm still scared, but he wants to be there for me, and I just have to find my power and be there for him. 

I told him that I loved him. 

I hope it's true. 

Something else happened, too. Well, didn't happen, but almost happened. Maybe. I don't know, it's too crazy. I'm probably just imagining it, or projecting, or it's just my stupid fear thing again. 

But. 

I think maybe Danny almost kissed me. 

It's too crazy. Danny is with Christina, and even if he wasn't, he's like, the last person I would expect to want to kiss me. 

But this ain't my first rodeo. I felt the vibe, I saw the look in his eyes. He didn't know I was back with Casey, and he said he was going to take it slow with Christina. We were just talking in the lounge and the next thing, I know, he's wiping off my glasses and then he's looking into my eyes and god, I just felt it. It was electric. I'm pretty sure I was holding my breath. 

God help me, I think... I kind of wanted it too.

None of this makes any sense whatsoever. I'm sure he's forgotten all about it, and that's what I need to do. It was just a moment, and maybe one I didn't even read correctly. We care about each other as friends, but that's all, and that's all it ever will be. I'm going to Haiti and by the time I get back, Danny will be living in suburbia with Christina and I'll marry Casey and I'll look at this blog entry and laugh. I'll probably delete it in embarrassment for even thinking such crazy thoughts. 

Wish me luck!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are - the end of season one! If you've stuck it out this long, you know there's a lot more good stuff coming...


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season two! 
> 
> Please forgive me - in this season, the writers took some liberties with how times works and it left me in a bit of a pickle on how to date these blog entries. Season one went fine, but season two doesn't logically work on a real calendar, because of times jumps and stuff. So I'm not dating these entries, to allow things to make sense, but they will follow the same timeline and we shall all pretend it works, okay? :D

I'm back bitches!

Yeah, no really reliable internet in Haiti, and I was super busy, so I haven't been able to blog about all the amazing stuff that happened there. I wrote down a lot of it in letters but that's just not the same. 

Yes, I was supposed to be there a year, but fate intervened, in the form of a hideous gallbladder attack probably caused by the lack of clean drinking water and bear claws. I have to say, it was an experience I wouldn't trade for the world, but I don't really know if I can go back. There's so much to be done there, but there's so much to do back home, too. And the fact that I survived three months living in a hut pretty much means I can do anything. 

So, what else happened, besides building a hospital, helping impoverished people lead a better life, giving of myself day in and day out...

I GOT ENGAGED! Yep, Casey and I are getting married. Like, right now. 

Yeah, it's quick, but there's no way in hell I would have said no. I mean, I love Casey, he loves me, and it's totally okay to have a low key, understated, last minute wedding. In my apartment. It's romantic! Not in, like, a traditional way, or, really any way, but it doesn't matter. 

It's so great seeing everyone again. I really did miss them all! There's a new doctor who is kind of sex on a stick, which is good but... I really didn't expect them to hire someone. I mean, if the practice needs the help, okay, but I am coming back at some point. Maybe soon. 

I guess things aren't going so great with Danny and Christina now. He didn't really mention her much in his letters and since he had said he was slowing things down, I assumed maybe they had decided to call things off, or at least dial it back. But no, he bought a house with her, in Jersey of all places. It doesn't make any sense to me - it would be like me going back with Josh.  
I really didn't get why he got back together with her in the first place, but I thought he realized he was just rehashing old history. I think he should be moving forwards. 

Anyway, they had a very public fight in the office and now he's going to try and win her back - again - and propose to her. Hello, did you not learn from your mistakes the first time? And look who is saying this, the queen of not learning lessons. I just don't see what makes this woman worth trying so hard for, when I don't think she's done anything to try for him. Besides, she says they never have sex, and come on, something's obviously wrong there. 

\---------

Okay - about the last minute rush job wedding thing... We didn't go through with it. Casey told me he wanted to wait until we could have a wedding where everything went right. It kind of hurts to not be his wife right now, but part of me is a little relieved. I'm staying here, and he's going back to Haiti, and then we will have a real storybook type wedding. One where my dress doesn't get peed on, and the cake isn't shaped kind of like a penis, and where we get actual gifts. 

It was so weird walking down the aisle - or what served as an aisle in the living room - and seeing Casey standing there so handsome, in a suit. It didn't seem real for some reason. I felt like I was watching it all from a distance. Plus - I was wearing scrubs. Danny suggested it. Kind of an odd choice, really, but it suited me. 

I'm just so happy Casey told me he didn't want to have a wedding if it wasn't right. He knows me so well and knew, without my even telling him, that I wanted to stay instead of going back to Haiti. That just tells me we're making the right decision. 

Poor Danny, though. When he told me he wasn't happy with Christina - well, I already knew. I'm so glad he decided not to pursue her. I just wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him hey, there's someone out there that's going to make you happy! You don't have to settle! 

I mean, look at how many times I heard that and now I'm going to marry the perfect guy. 

\--------

Casey went back to Haiti and I'm lonely. I miss my Casey!

Talking isn't enough. Skyping isn't enough. It's so hard to be with someone every day for months and then suddenly be back to sleeping alone. Granted, it's sleeping alone in an air conditioned room, in a soft bed with clean sheets that have a thread count over 2, but it's still sad. I know it's going to be months before he comes back and I just have to deal but uuugggghhhhh. I want him back now!

And then, instead of being excited to have me back at work, everyone acts like I'm an outsider. They gave my office to the new guy, Paul. It's not fair - that office is for the hottest person in the office and it's like they're basically saying it's not me now! I need to get extensions or something. 

Apparently Danny rented his place to Paul when he moved to Jersey. I wonder what he's gonna do with that house now? Knowing him, he'll probably keep paying for it and let Christina live there. He's generous to a fault with her. 

I cannot work in the hot pipe room. That room is for storing cleaning supplies and having illicit sex, it's not for seeing patients. I need my office back. I must get it back. 

\-------

Okay, I got my office back, in the coolest way possible, and also the worst way possible. I challenged Leoturd to a shots off and I won! And then I guess he was so drunk that he had sex with Christina, and Danny flipped out and threatened to quit, and Paul ended up resigning. 

Yes, that was a lot of information. I admit, I might have buried the lead there. I do feel a little responsible for Danny having yet another terrible trauma with his romantic life, but they had already broken up, and also, Christina is the one responsible for what happens in her pants. She did it to hurt him, obviously. Have I mentioned she's really a horrible person? 

Anyway, apparently Danny has this gig where he hangs out with losers and plays basketball to get over his heartbreak. He was so pissed, which is fair - I mean, he was pissed at me when he somehow thought I was the one who slept with Paul, to the point of almost making me have to kick him in the junk. Even if I had, which I wouldn't, because hello, I'm engaged, that's truly none of his business. But anyway, when Paul confessed, Danny punched him and yelled at us all and took off. 

And guess who had to go talk him into coming back? Yours truly. How the hell am I suddenly the voice of reason in this place? 

Dude. Kris Humphries is really tall. And hot. I'm engaged. I'm engaged. I'm engaged. 

So long story short, Paul quit, and Danny and I burned his sheets and maybe, just maybe, he got closure. Even though he doesn't believe in it.


	32. Chapter 32

Casey's back! 

I'm so happy he came back early - just not super thrilled about the why. He's decided to quit the ministry and become a DJ (I blame Moby!) This evokes a very mixed set of responses from me. On the one hand, it's awesomely sexy, and I always saw myself as the hot trophy wife of a hot musician. 

On the other hand, quitting something that he's been so completely committed to for a pretty long time sets off big fat alarms in my head. I mean, we're talking God - if he can't stay committed to HIM, what makes me think he'll stay committed to me? It's worrisome. I want him to do what makes him happy, but a decision like this seems really rash, like something I would do. And he didn't even talk to me about it first. I mean, the couple that makes idiotic decisions together, stays together. 

He finally got a gig, though, so at least there's some progress. I'm really not sure how the whole music industry going works - like, how many gigs does it take to make a million dollars? He's going to have to get a move on because without the pastor income, he's been eating me out of house and home. That's my job. 

We've been looking for a new junior partner and had an... interesting... applicant. There's such a thing as discretion, and he didn't appear to actually have any. Who tells a potential employer that you boned a freaking tree? At least make up a good lie. Oh god, what if that WAS the lie? 

\---

Look, I'm as young and hip as any other 20 year old hottie but music festivals are not my scene. At least in Haiti, the heat and smells were expected. I can't have that be my life and I don't think Casey gets it at all. He acts like my raising questions is the same as crapping on his dream, and that's not fair. 

I get having a dream - I'm living mine right now. Well, one of them. I haven't yet been able to ride on a unicorn with any of the members of One Direction, but that's okay. I'm getting to the point where a dream has to be an achievable goal. 

It's kind of sad but also amazingly grown up of me that I had more fun working in the first aid tent than any of the actual events. I tried to get Danny to go watch his band but he called me a dick and made me go to Casey's gig. I was glad I did, though, because Casey kind of seemed like a superstar and it started to make me think okay, he's right, he's found his path. 

And then he tells me he doesn't want to be a DJ anymore - now, he wants to plan events. 

What the hell?

I mean, sure, event planning could mean hob-nobbing with celebrities and drinking champagne and maybe becoming Beyonce's best friend. But it could also mean, like, endless bar mitzvahs and wakes and that's not fun at all. 

I just don't get it. How can he go from being so dedicated to God, to knowing that DJ'ing was absolutely the way, to suddenly finding some other rando life plan? And what does this mean for me? He says he loves me, but what if he gets bored with me? I can't feel confident about this relationship when he's suddenly got, well, no direction. 

\---

We broke up. 

It wasn't until he said the words that I realized that was what was happening. 

It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing you did the right thing and hating it. I love Casey so much, but I just can't turn my life upside down every time the wind blows and he finds another thing to become his path. I have a path, too. 

I wish him luck, I wish him love, I wish for him to find the calling that keeps his feet on the ground. But I know him. He'll keep reaching for the stars. 

I can't do this right now. It hurts too much. 

\---

I miss Casey. 

\---

It's been a week and I can't stop crying. 

And drinking. I can't stop crying or drinking. Okay, I don't drink at work, and I try not to cry, at least where people can see me. Or hear me. 

Part of me feels like I made a terrible mistake. Casey loves me, and I love him. Shouldn't that be enough? We were going to get married. How did we go from engaged to broken, practically overnight?

Maybe I'm just spending too much time thinking about the past. I need to move forward. Morgan told me every girl he's dated has gone on to meet their dream man immediately after they've broken up. I should have asked Casey if any of his exes have gotten married. Ugh. I have to stop thinking about weddings. Maybe I'm not supposed to get married. 

Speaking of mistakes, I skinned both my knees thanks to the weird lawyer on our floor who has a worse shopping problem than me. There were boxes everywhere outside! What a nut. He's rude, too. I should fix him up with Maggie, it would serve them both right. Or I can fix her up with Peter, the tree fucker. Apparently Jeremy was so impressed with him that he hired him on the spot. He's supposedly good with the patients. As long as they aren't shrubbery... Well, he's gonna really have to prove himself to me, after that plus size model comment. 

\---

Okay. Okay. I think now I've really made a terrible mistake. A big mistake. Huge. Well, average really, but I did not need to know that. I was drunk and sad and weepy and I don't know what I was thinking. 

Now Morgan is really mad and using for sexual harassment. I did not sexually harass or sexually anything him! I wasn't really going to sleep with him, even if he misunderstood me when I said that I was. I'm not a complete loser!

It probably didn't help when I said that to him. 

So he got that freaking rude home shopping club addict to represent him and he'll only drop the suit if I take him on a "real date" with him. I hope he means he's planning on watching me eat a lot of food and then getting the boot at my doorstep, because that's a real date to me. Except for super hotties, for which Morgan, no offense, does not qualify. I think I'd rather pay him the 200 thousand dollars.

\---

Well, it's hard to believe, but Morgan was actually not the most horrible date ever. He's a little rough in the whole talking department, so dinner was a little horrible, but then he took me to the quarry. It was kind of like the Grand Canyon on a little tiny scale. 

it helped, a little, to get the chance to say out loud how I was feeling. I don't know how long it's gonna take, but I can do this. I love Casey. I might always love him. It's a tragic romance, which is always the most awesome kind, but it's gonna be okay.

Also, I think that lawyer was checking out my ass. I've still got it. 


	33. Chapter 33

It was bad enough having to fly to Boston to go to Debbie 2's wedding, but having to almost sit next to Kevin Smith on the flight home was traumatic! We called her Debbie 2 in high school because she wasn't as pretty as Debbie 1 and also because she was the second Debbie that dated the quarterback... There's no point to this story so never mind. 

Anyway, I managed to swing a date with the cutest little snob who sat next to me on the flight. Jason writes an arts column so I thought we'd have a lot in common. I mean, pretty much my entire life is centered around art - music, movies, tv shows, that's all art - but when I said snob, I wasn't kidding. He pretty much shit all over my opinions and then basically said I had no culture. He'd bang me, but that's it, and hello, is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? I mean, I won over Casey, but I shouldn't have to prove myself good enough for every guy I meet. They should be proving themselves to me!

But anyway I still want to. 

So there's this art exhibit which I guess is photos from when Danny and Christina were together and she's displaying them as revenge. Which, I have to say I kind of admire if just for sheer evilness, but because it's Danny, I kind of feel bad. She had most of them on display in their apartment so I don't get why it's a big deal but it's cultural and maybe if Jason sees that I really do have an artistic side, he won't act like he's so superior. I don't know why it's so important to me that I do this. 

\---

Oh. 

Oh God. 

Oh my GOD. 

What was I thinking? I just... I never imagined... Okay, maybe once or twice. Okay, more than that, but still, I was unprepared.

For some reason I never really realized it would actually be Danny NAKED. Like, I expected strategically placed vases or stuff but no, it was all hanging out. All of it. All. Of. It. 

Christina is a real piece of work, I'll tell you that. She knew just where to hit the guy and didn't even show up to do it in person. Poor Danny. Okay, I can't have THAT much sympathy - I mean, if you're going to be humiliated by having a two foot tall photo of your junk on display, at least it's not a one foot tall photo, if you know what I mean. Danny has nothing to be ashamed of. Dude's packing. 

I never thought I'd be getting an eyeful of it, though.

Okay, maybe. 

This is getting weird so I'm just going to change the subject. 

Jason seemed to vibe better with me tonight, and then he just disappeared. Granted, I was trying to wrangle Danny out of an indecent exposure arrest - and he has a point, why are photos of his naked body okay but the real thing illegal? It's a bragging point to say your body's so hot it should be illegal, and if I was trying cheesy pickup lines, I would definitely go with that.

But anyway - Jason surprised me at my apartment and serenaded me with Katy Perry. Not the actual Katy Perry, just him singing her song on a ukulele, but it's the thought that counts. So maybe once again Mindy Lahiri had broken down the walls between her and another hot dude. I'll give him another chance. 

I just don't know how well I'm going to sleep tonight with the image of a naked Danny Castellano burned into my retinas.

No, not like THAT, you pervs. 

Okay, maybe like that. Whatever. Shut up. 

\---

 

Ugh. 

You know, for an ob/gyn practice, we have an appalling lack of women on the staff. I'm the only female doctor and I'm getting a little tired of the old boys club. The place stinks of the male patriarchy!

All I wanted to do was make use of the crappy courtyard which is currently littered with garbage and Danny's stinky cigarette butts, and no, suddenly it's a great idea to make it a barbecue pit man cave he-man women haters club! What is so wrong about having a quiet pretty area in the city where a woman can reflect on her life and maybe meditate or something? 

I feel like it's all due to Peter. Ever since he started working here, there's just been this overwhelming dudeosity to the place. He's a good doctor but if I was a woman - I mean, if I was a patient - I wouldn't want to go to a place with such a bro vibe about it. So I'm not convinced he's really improving things for us. Also, I don't think he likes me and I can't have that. 

Danny suggested I take him out to lunch and get to know him better. Well that worked out just as well as I would've expected, considering the source. Thanks a lot, Danny. Now I think Peter hates me even more now, because I took him to a place that I like instead of Hooters or a strip club. Well I'm so sorry, Peter, for trying to become your friend. 

Now I'm stuck going to some kind of wrestling match to show that I support the things he likes. You know, for a straight guy, Peter really enjoys things that involve sweaty men rubbing their groins against each other. You know Danny told me Peter grabbed his junk once? And this was before the art exhibit! Anyway, I hope I'm not too late for my date with Jason. I think it's time we move things to the next level. 

\---

Okay, so that was an... experience. 

Basically, they throw two semi-nude guys into a ring and then everyone screams while they roll around on the ground groaning. It's super gay. I loved it. 

But then I find out Peter is actually going in to fight. Peter the Punisher. Super, super gay. The guy he was going to fight looked straight out of The Hills Have Eyes. He appeared to be fairly inbred but it only served to make him stronger!

I guess I screwed up things when I told him his ex was engaged. I felt pretty guilty because he was getting his ass kicked six easy to Sunday. So I gave him the patented Mindy Lahiri pep talk and it sort of worked - Peter isn't dead. And I think we, you know, had male bonding, or whatever the equivalent is if it's a dude and a chick. Not sexual. He's kind of a mess over his ex, and it's been a year, and I'm pretty experienced with horrible breakups. So we do kind of have stuff in common and he's really not that bad. I just need to figure out how to keep him functional and yet medicated all the time. 

But of course, there has to be a downside, because it's my life. 

Jason called things off. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He seems kind of high maintenance and self centered, and let's be real. I can't date a male version of me. I need someone more down to earth. He was pretty cute though but... you know, I just can't. I'm not getting torn up about this one, he was just a guy. I'm getting tired of just guys. 

The work crew seemed to enjoy my compromise with the courtyard. And of course, by compromise I mean doing what they wanted, but it's okay. I may be the center of the universe but every once in a while I gotta let the little satellites have time to shine. 

Pete needs to keep his hands off my ass, though.


	34. Chapter 34

\---

Okay, I think I officially need to have a friend breakup. I've never done that before. I don't even know if it's a real thing. I just know, I can't keep going to Colin and Anna's cute little dinner parties with their cute little couples if they aren't going to fix me up with any of their weirdo friends! They said I'm too picky. Hello, look at my track record - can I really afford to be indiscriminate with the selection of my potential life partner? I don't think it's too much to ask to find someone who doesn't have actual skeletons in their closet. 

And Danny is apparently the un-pickiest man on the planet, because he spent all night at the party hanging out with a human dish of vanilla pudding. I'm serious, this girl had the personality of that paste you make in elementary school out of flour and water. And her voice was like a 1950's educational film strip. I can totally hear her now. "The penis is the reproductive organ of mammals." She out borings Danny and that's nearly impossible. 

And Danny himself says I'm too picky! Well yeah, anything would look picky to you, Danny, you're hitting on a cabbage. I would think he, of all people, would get it. But fine, if I have to prove to people I'm not picky, I have the perfect candidate. I sort of got run over this morning, but by a skateboard. Casualty: one bearclaw. Glad I always carry a spare. Anyway, I tracked him down, because he was ridiculously hot for a manchild, and asked him to take me out. I'll show you, Danny Castellano!

\---

Maybe I am a little picky. But screw you guys, I deserve to be picky! I'm awesome!

So I went out with Graham and it wasn't great. His outlook on life is... wow. He's so different from everyone I've ever gone out with, because mostly I've dated adults, and I was having a real hard time wrapping my head around it. It wasn't the casual drug use, or the incoherency in which he expressed what passed for his logic, it was just the whole hippie slacker thing. I've never not had ambition and it's really strange to me. 

But he was so sweet and brave, saving my phone, that I figured I'd give him another shot. Of course realistically I was just doing it to prove I wasn't picky but whatevs. He is also really, really hot. I mean, in that dirty, unshowered, Johnny Depp way. When I told Danny, he acted like his usual self and mocked me. 

We're doing a double date thing now, and I don't know how I'm going to live through two hours of listening to paint dry, but I really do want to see what Danny thinks of my cool new boyfriend. 

Maybe part of my problem is calling guys my boyfriend after just one date? 

\---

Alright, I'm picky and proud of it. 

The double date thing was a hot mess. We went out to sushi and all Danny did was interrogate poor sweet Graham. I'm glad he's not really smart enough to get that he was being made fun of, but I got it. I really don't know what his problem was with Graham or why he was soooo much more interested in him than his own date. Oh wait, maybe it was because his date was literally a snooze fest? Yeah, Danny told me he FELL ASLEEP while she was kissing him after we left. 

I knew he didn't like her. He was just trying to prove he's so superior to me, and all he did was prove he has standards too. 

But anyway, after the painful meal of raw fish and sarcasm, Graham decided we should dine and dash. I thought we talked him out of it. I mean, I can't afford to be banned from another restaurant. My choices are starting to get slim, and it really looks bad on a first date for the hostess to call you by name and ask if you want the usual seat. 

But then Danny decided to drag me off and lecture me about my bad choices. I really don't get why he's so invested in my love life. He hates everyone I date, but says I'm too picky? Come on, Goldilocks! I mean, I want to find Mr. Just Right, but I can't find him if I don't put myself out there. It's not like he's gonna turn up right under my nose.


	35. Chapter 35

How did we ever survive without smartphones? I can't even believe Danny has wifi at his house. I asked him if I could use his computer and he made me use this ancient thing the size of a Buick. I know he has a laptop but he says it's private - you know what that means! He still hasn't learned to erase his browser history. I looked to see if I could find any porn but this thing was made before porn. He has a dot matrix printer. I'm using a web browser called Netscape. Does this clue you in on how ancient this thing is? It has a FLOPPY DRIVE. Danny did not think it was funny at all when I said "just like its owner!" 

Anyway, I'm stuck here at Danny's because I lost my purse, which my house key and phone, and I had left a spare set of keys with my neighbor Rigoberto but then I lost my original set and I had to use the spares, and Rigoberto got put into a nursing home a few weeks ago. I should ask him if there's room for Danny there, ha ha. But I couldn't go home so I made Danny invite me to spend the night till Lost and Found opens at the hospital. 

We had a pretty interesting conversation on the way to his place, too. I was feeling a little mopey because the holidays are coming and I'm single, which, granted, is a big improvement over last year, but still. It didn't help that I saw that stupid cute rude lawyer guy Cliff in the elevator and he's dating this Latvian super ass model beauty pageant princess. It's not like I like him or anything. 

Well maybe a little. I don't know why, but it kinda works for me when guys treat me like crap. Maybe just the familiarity of it? I know, I need to get over that. But really, he's only been rude to me a few times, and he did all that law stuff Morgan and Danny for free, so he must have a heart. Too bad he's also got a thing for perfect 10's. I'm a solid 8, no question. Maybe an extra .5 on a good day. But I don't know if that would make the cut for Cliff. 

Anyway, we were walking along, and I just kept seeing these picturesque scenes of happy couples and little families and the twinkling lights reflecting in their glowing eyes. It just started me down a bad path. Not that I begrudge those folks their happiness, but it made me feel super lonely. I told Danny I had a crush on someone in the building... It was a little awkward because obviously Cliff is out of my league so I didn't say who. He'll probably figure out who I mean. 

Oh, so get this? Danny and one of his neighbors have been hooking up and I guess she's a crazy stalker or something? Because he made me pretend to be his girlfriend. Ha! I must have done a pretty good job because she bought it. She was kind of cute but she definitely had the glint of crazy in her eyes.

Gotta go, Danny thinks I'm using up his internet. 

\---

Dude. A while lotta nuts going on the last 24 hours. 

First off, I'm going to kill Morgan. Apparently he found my purse and decided it would be a good thing to send perverted texts to Cliff under the guise of being me. I mean, I get that he thinks we should be together, and I was finally getting the nerve to maybe ask Cliff out, but Morgan ruined it. I guess what he said must have worked because he told me Cliff said he was coming over and the he and Peter threw a fake party to cover up the fact that I wasn't the one texting him. Obviously, Cliff figured it out and I don't know why but he hooked up with Heather. Stupid Heather, Josh's ex. And now they're probably going to fall in love and get married and I'm going to kill Morgan!

Geez. Who knew all I had to do to get Cliff was just some tame sexting? Not even a tit pic? And I'm pretty sure Morgan has the goods to pull that one off. So if my idiot friend hadn't been such an idiot, I think things could have swung in my favor. But shit... I can't steal another guy from Heather, can I? I seriously would fear for my life. 

Okay, other weirdness. So the stalker girl that Danny wanted to avoid? She broke in while I was there. I mean, she had a key, so it wasn't quite as bad as an actual B&E, but kinda still super creepy. I was hanging out with Danny in his bed - don't get gross, we were just watching frogs hump. It was cozy. Not sexy cozy. Well, maybe a little sexy cozy, because of course my natural sensuality just brings that to the table wherever I go, but it wasn't intentional. He did smell good though. 

Whatever. 

So for some reason he had decided he needed to have some important talk and it had to be in the other room because it was inappropriate but he wouldn't tell me why. I never did find out what he wanted. It was probably the farting. That's better than stress barfs, though! Usually.

And Amy was IN THE LIVING ROOM. Fortunately, she just had some booze and not a steak knife, but still, super Fatal Attraction vibe going on. So we kept up the charade and she told me a lot - I mean A LOT - about one Mr. Daniel Castellano. For example, he's not as vanilla in the bedroom as I have been led to believe (okay, some of it was just from his nasty bitter ex, but Alex and I did talk...) 

But this poor, somewhat demented girl, Danny kind of did her wrong and I totally called him out on it. I mean, she was staying over all the time (and he GAVE her that key) and he was making her pancakes in the morning. That reeks of a relationship. Of course she expected it to be more than just a hookup. He said he was lonely, and I get that, I totally do. His love life is more pathetic than mine and that is really saying something! But he was wrong and I made him apologize to her, which I think probably helped him too. Also, I got to slap him a couple times and that felt really good. 

It was just a little weird at the end. 

He slipped and called me by my real name and then she thought we were scamming her, which we were! So I had to really pull out the big guns and act like the loving fiancé so she wouldn't flip out and slaughter us with our own limbs. Danny, for the record, was pretty convincing too. Hell, when he had his arms wrapped around me, I almost believed it too. 

Anyway - once crazy left, everything was back to normal. And the next morning, Danny made me French toast, which was delicious, and he gave me a little pep talk and told me to go get that guy. Sometimes he really knows just what to say. 

If only fucking Morgan had just kept his nose out of it!! Ugh.


	36. Chapter 36

This week has been ridiculous. 

I have to see Cliff in the building and it's so awkward. Morgan is being a groveling lunatic and he's driving me nuts. And to top it off, the midwives are running a smear campaign against us just because Danny somehow got involved in a white supremacist movement. Not on purpose!

They're dangerous madmen, those midwives. 

So we hired this kind of ice queen PR expert to come and try to hash things out and make us look good, but I'm skeptical. I don't like the way she looks. She's just too perfect and tidy and, okay, that's probably the idea behind public relations but whatever. She gives me the skeeves. 

\---

The crazy midwives were at it again. They actually called me - ME - a racist. You know, now I can really understand how these poor celebrities must feel when they are constantly under a magnifying lens and even the slightest hint of scandal is blown out of proportion. I feel very close to Miley Cyrus right now.

And the douchebags were just doing it to steal our clients! They didn't even really care that much about, like, society and stuff. But in the end we managed to turn things around, and that PR chick that we paid a LOT of money for had nothing to do with it. I ended up being the one to turn things around. Maybe I should go into PR. Suck it, midwives!

And speaking of that PR hussy, Danny slept with her. Gross! What is going in with him and these random hookups? He really needs to decide what he's looking for because seriously, he's starting to outdo Jeremy. Not that it's that hard these days, with his new fondness for carbs.

\---

So, I don't think I mentioned this before but I got an invitation to Josh's wedding a couple months ago. I'm pretty sure he just wanted a gift, because why else would he invite an ex, especially an ex with the kind of history we had. 

So I thought Danny was gonna come with me, but he flaked. I guess it was okay because he doesn't get to see his brother much. And can I say, meow, his brother is fiiiine! I feel like we could totally be BFFs, too. It's weird because he looks like Danny but he's young and hip and gay, so like the fun version of Danny. 

So I wasn't going to go, or even get Josh a gift, because why should he profit from making me miserable? Then I talked to him and he pissed me off again. He was just so patronizing! Like he didn't think I had the guts to come. I am a mature adult woman and he can kiss my ass!

Anyway, Peter came to the wedding with me. I have to say I wouldn't have imagined that he would actually volunteer, since he was so adamantly against spending time with me, but there's actually some part of him that isn't horrible. It's definitely not his penis, because he kind of banged the bride. No, he Definitely banged the bride. I guess she didn't make it quite as well through rehab... So I guess I indirectly ruined Josh's life. 

He deserved it. Being classic Josh, he blamed me, and since I kinda told him Peter was my boyfriend, he called me names and stuff. But I still felt bad. I don't wish bad relationships on anyone, even bastards. I don't need any more bad juju, and it's just not nice anyway. So I did what I could to make it up to him, which wasn't much really, but whatever. I just really need to close the book on this guy. 

I still have this tiny little kernel of hope inside that someday I will have someone I can consider a regular wedding date. I have a lot of exes.


	37. Chapter 37

Okay. So get this. I'm talking to Cliff on the subway, because we managed to work through the awkwardness of those texts that Morgan sent (and Peter too! That bastard was in on it all along and wrote all the worst gross stuff, he admitted it when we were at the wedding.) Anyway, we've been catching the same train and talking and I'm not gonna lie, there's been a little flirting, but he's with Heather. 

Except today he told me he was thinking of breaking up with her. 

So, because I didn't learn the first time not to mess with Heather, I've sort of formulated a plan. I'm going to throw a party for the building and woo me some Cliffie. 

I have all the elements in place - well, it's going to be a dry party so Peter won't hump any shrubbery, so that's one element gone awry. But everything else should go smoothly. I have it all calculated - okay, that makes it sound very Machiavellian, which is so cool - but I'm confident I can pull it off without a hitch. 

I've got Betsy handling decorations, Morgan and Tamra getting food, and Beverly on security. I'm not wholly convinced that's the best choice. So all I need is a karaoke machine, a couple of bottles of wine, and a case of Chapstick to handle all the making out that's gonna result. 

Also, perhaps I need to ramp up my alarm system. Heather knows where I live. 

\---

Merry Christmas!! I'm writing this from my new laptop - thank you REDACTED and Associates. Yes, this absolutely is work related use, because I need to be able to focus when I'm working and this helps me focus. Whatever. My old laptop hasn't worked right since the whipped cream incident. 

So, this is one of those times I actually wish people read my blog, because maybe they could give me some feedback on this kind of weird thing I'm going through. I'm super confused about something. 

Have you really thought you wanted something, and then when you got it, you weren't sure that it was what you wanted after all... yeah. It's like this - my man trap was successfully sprung. I thought I failed, because Cliff left the party, but he came back and told me he broke up with Heather for me. 

It's just... I'm being stupid. 

Danny did something really sweet and unexpected when I was sad about Cliff bailing on the party. He actually danced for me. Like, a choreographed routine. This is Danny we're talking about - closed off, stubborn, terrified of exposing his human side - and he kind of threw all that aside for a minute and it really touched me. I mean, really touched me, all inappropriate like. It was fucking hot. 

Okay, I had drunk all the boob wine, but to be honest, it wasn't all that much. I was maybe a little buzzed, not even tipsy. I'm not gonna blame it on the alcohol. 

So then I hugged him, to say thanks, but really more because... dude, it's kind of embarrassing, even if I'm only admitting it to myself. I just really wanted to, okay? And he hugged me back, and damn. 

And then I think we almost kissed. Damn damn damn. I know I said that happened once before, but I feel like it was even more this time, if that makes sense. Maybe because I wanted it too? Oh god, I kinda did. I definitely did. And then we got interrupted, and I even tried to rekindle the moment, but I got shot down. So I don't really know, maybe it was all in my head. 

I don't know why I'm even thinking about this. Cliff is so sweet, and hot, and emotionally available. I just need to let this whatever-it-is with Danny go. 

\---

Thank you, anonymous stranger who made me aware that there actually is someone reading what I thought was a private blog and suggesting I remove details that can identify me to the public. I've fixed it now, I hope. And thanks also for the suggestion of the three way but nope.


	38. Chapter 38

So sorry I have neglected you so far this year, blog!

I promise to try and be more dedicated but, you know, no guarantees. I lead a busy life, and oh my God, things are going so well with Cliff. It's been a whirlwind of dating and, well, other stuff, and I really like him. I think he likes me. I have been feeling this new confidence, because so far there haven't been any alarm bells or anything to make me feel like he's just the next failed-relationship-to-be. He's smart and funny and mature and I don't know, I can see this going places, I just don't want to get ahead of myself. 

Which is why I'm freaking out a little - he wants to go on a ski trip. That itself doesn't worry me, but then he mentioned hot tubbing and it's not bikini season and I'm not prepared. Waxing I can do. I can't wax off the entirety of my thighs and that's my worry. I need to figure out a way to get in... let's not be too ambitious here, so maybe less bad shape? I just need to, like, tighten things up, so only the right parts jiggle. 

Morgan offered to be my personal trainer and I have very little faith in his abilities. 

\---

Shocker, Morgan sucks as a trainer. He spit on me! He just gets way too into things and doesn't understand how to like, reel it in a little. I know this because that's basically my life story. 

Did I just compare myself to Morgan? I'm pathetic. 

Anyway, I have another plan, which may or may not be an equally terrible idea, but should not involve any bodily fluids. I was recovering from Morgan's abuse and it dawned on me that I had a valuable resource right at my fingertips, so to speak. 

Danny freakin Castellano. 

I mean, as everyone in the upper east side has seen, he's got a rockin bod. Like, chiseled from marble like a Greek statue level. So obviously, he knows what to do to get in shape, and I just thought, hello, why not me? So I asked him nicely, and then I yelled at him a little, and finally he agreed. 

Alright, Danny, you work with what you've got, time for you to work with what I've got. 

That sounded oddly sexual. 

\---

Okay, so far so good. 

I wasn't sure about this place Danny dragged me to, because it smelled like that time Morgan accidentally locked himself in the hot pipe room over a long weekend, but it ended up being pretty cool. I think I still like the idea of a gym where you can casually do the stair master while guys look at your butt, and then you go drink juice, but this place makes me feel like Rocky. 

We've been going every day at lunch and I'm starting to really feel it. I've got more stamina, and my Spanx aren't as tight. 

Danny really likes barking orders at me. I'm not sure I took that into account when I thought this up. But it's working!

\---

Oh God. 

This is the worst, the absolute worst. 

I thought it was bad enough seeing Danny in those giant photos at the art exhibit. Christina is a master at photoshop is all I can say, because everything is a lot pinker and hairier in real life. 

Never mind that, because not only did I see Danny naked, he saw me. All of me, not even hidden by bikini on the good parts me. Completely butt ass naked. He said he didn't see much, but I know, I could just tell... and then he tried to tell me what was wrong with me. So rude!

I am never going back to that gym. I don't even know how I could look him in the eye after I looked him in the... never mind, never mind. But seriously, what kind of place has a co-ed steam room? That's just asking for trouble. And then I slipped, and my ankle is all messed up and I'm not even going to be able to go on the ski trip now. So I might as well just like eat a bakery and crawl in a hole because I'm going to die alone. 

\---

Well, this day had a surprising end so I had to add a quick update. 

Danny saw me naked again. 

Nuts, right? No, he wasn't naked too, which kind of makes it better. I don't know, I was feeling low and decided to look at myself... naked... at work and, well, you know what? I look pretty damned good. And it doesn't matter what Danny, or Cliff, or anyone else thinks, because I think I'm pretty bangable hot. With or without clothes. Although I will admit I should keep my clothes on at work, because there's really no reason for me to be naked there.

So it was just admiring myself, which I strongly recommend by the way. Then somehow there was a giant raptor in my face and I screamed and in comes Danny to the rescue, but instead of rescuing me, he just gawked at my nakedness again. I get it, I want to look at me naked too, but this is a workplace and he should be more professional. And then he tried to give me body advice again so I was pissed and I went to tell him off. I got dressed first.

After I yelled at him a bit and fired him from being my trainer, things got a little awkward. He said I shouldn't be self conscious about my body and that I looked like a woman should, which was really nice and also, hmmmm. It's weird. I mean, it's weird to have Danny thinking about my naked body, but it's also weird the way he was thinking about it, if you catch my drift. It didn't seem... objective. And that makes me wonder about things I really shouldn't be wondering about. 

I have Cliff. I need to remember that. He's a good guy.


	39. Chapter 39

So yes, it's been a while, blog. I've come to realize that you're like my sounding board - when things are fine, or at least I'm too busy to realize they aren't, I'm not here. But when things start to weigh heavy on my mind, it helps me sort things out to write them down. 

So things have been going well the past couple of months with Cliff. He's sweet and funny and kind, fine in the old bedroom department, though his OCD kinda kicks in there more than anywhere else. It's not the most spontaneous thing when he's really, really got to make sure his pants are folded properly, and that he doesn't have any notifications on his phone. 

Not that we get much time for spontaneity anyway. Between his busy schedule and my even busier one, we have to make appointments for sexy-times, and even those are few and far between. It's nice, sure, but it's not... passionate. 

He doesn't like to stay at my place much, due to the Heather situation, and he lives quite a bit further from work so I have to really rework my schedule if I stay there. So we don't get to just relax and chill out very often, and I miss that. Maybe more than hot sex on the reg.

So when he mentioned he was going to have to find a new place to live, it just popped in to my mind to suggest he move in. I know, it's tricky with the psycho ex, but it does solve a lot of other issues. But he seemed hesitant. Really, really hesitant. And that's got me worried. 

I understand, he probably thinks it's too fast, and hell, it probably is, but I've been feeling like we need to push things a little bit to see where they are going to go. I'm usually one to jump head first into relationships and get my heart stomped on (see, previous blog entries, they aren't hard to find!) but I've been feeling myself holding back this time and I don't know why. 

I like Cliff. Do I love him? No. Does he love me? I don't feel like he does. He hasn't said it, but he's affectionate so I think he likes me well enough. 

Could we love each other, in time? It's possible. I enjoy spending time with him, and we get along well. He's got an excellent job, he's not a user (of drugs or people) and he gets me. But I feel he's holding back too. Maybe it's his line of work - divorce is not pleasant - or maybe he's just picking up something from me, I don't know. 

Damn, this is way more introspective than I really wanted, but I have to think about stuff like this. At this point in my life, I can't waste time with someone I don't have a future with, but on the other hand, I can't throw away a good relationship just because it's not exciting. 

Well, I can't really dwell on this right now anyway. I'm heading out to LA for a conference and I'll just have to deal with this when I get back. 

\---

Well, shit. 

I'm here in LA and I fucked up things with Cliff and he broke up with me. It's like I sabotage myself! What did I just say about all the good stuff we had and how I can't throw it away and what do I do? 

He's totally in the right - I should have been honest with him about seeing Casey - it turns out Casey lives here in California and is rich now but it's so, so over. I mean, not even a flutter, not even a tingle, it's just gone. So Cliff had nothing to worry about from me seeing him, but he's been weird and possessive sometimes and I just didn't want to deal with that and the apartment thing and so I, I kind of lied. Not a huge lie, just one to make him let things lie, and I would have told him when I got home and we could spend time clearing the air. 

But I guess stupid rich Casey is press worthy now, and some pictures went online - I don't even know how Cliff found them, but he was probably being obsessive about it. He didn't want to hear my explanation at all, he just said it's better that we end things now and that's it. 

I got a little weepy and tipsy but then I made my mind up to go back and fight for Cliff. I mean, either this thing we have is gonna be real and long term and good, or it isn't, but I owe it to both of us to try one more time. So Danny's gonna drive me to the airport today and then I guess go see his dad, which is so crazy. I feel bad that I can't go with him, because he really wanted me to and he doesn't ask a lot of me. Plus, it's definitely going to be a freak show and I really would like to get in on that. But I really feel like I have to get this Cliff thing figured out and maybe we can both get past our hesitation and go all in. 

\---

Damn it, Danny. 

He didn't drive me to the airport. He kidnapped me and made me go with him to his dad's house! Who does that? You can't just take a person places without their knowledge if you aren't trying to get them out of a cult.

So not only did I miss my flight, but get this - he was going to punch his dad! Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't been there. I probably would have had to bail him out of jail and while that would certainly come in handy for teasing him mercilessly, it would not be good for the whole mess that is the family Castellano. I know Richie would have been pissed. 

So it turns out, his dad has a new wife and an adorable daughter who shares Danny's name (awkward much?) and he seems like, well, a pretty nice old dude. And that did a number on Danny, who really just wanted to curse the guy out and be done with him, so he drank a billion beers and wandered into the desert when I left for the airport. 

So guess what, I had to go save his drunk ass from coyotes. 

And yes, I missed my flight again! 

So right now I'm sitting in the airport with him all weird because we sort of had a huge nasty fight in the middle of the desert and got picked up by military security. I don't think they heard me yelling but maybe. 

We said some shitty stuff to each other and I feel really bad. I mean, I've thought more about that than this whole Cliff thing. Danny was a jerk, but he was drunk and I wasn't, and the stuff I said was over the line. That's the crazy thing about Danny and I - we argue a lot but it's never hurtful, though before we really were friends we both occasionally said some stuff that stung. 

But this was hurtful, and I think part of why it hurt me so much was that nothing Danny said was untrue. He's right, I am running after a guy who probably doesn't want me, at least in the way I really need. A huge part of me doesn't want to do that, and it certainly didn't want to hear it last night! So I lashed out and called him mean and selfish, which for Danny can sometimes be true, but really that goes for all of us, so he did to deserve to be called out for it. 

And then I said he was worse than his dad and that's really what I'm mad at myself for saying. I know how damaged Danny is because of his dad, and I'm a complete asshole to throw that in his face. It's unforgivable. I just hope he forgives me. He's talking to me, but it seems awkward still, even though I went to his kid sister's soccer game and took the later flight. 

Ugh. I spent last night in a twin bed with Danni and she kicks and hogs the covers. I should ask Danny if that's a family trait.


	40. Chapter 40

Okay. 

So. 

You ever have something happen that you really never expected, but when it does, suddenly everything in the world makes sense? Like a puzzle piece that you tried every way to cram in, but it never fit, and then you just turn something a different way and it... clicks. All it needed was a little flip. 

Well, it flipped alright. Danny flipped it. 

He kissed me. And I'm not talking about a hey, great job, let me kiss you on the cheek because you're a pal kind of kiss. 

I'm talking about mouth on mouth and hands on ass and we almost banged in an airplane bathroom kind of a kiss. 

My heart still hasn't stopped pounding. 

And I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. 

Things are... complicated. See, before Danny grabbed me and kissed me and turned me into melted butter, he first helped me write this gorgeous, meaningful apology letter to Cliff. I couldn't find the right words, and all of a sudden, he was spouting off romantic prose like, well, not like Danny! And I sat there and absorbed it and the words were so beautiful, I almost felt like I was wasting them on Cliff, because they seemed like words of love. 

And I don't love Cliff. 

But I think I might love Danny. 

It's stupid, I know. I've known him forever and we are diametrical opposites in almost every way and we don't make sense. But when he was holding me and kissing me, everything made sense. 

I'm just going to keep typing those words until they seem real. Danny kissed me. Danny kissed me. Danny kissed me. 

Still not working. 

It was just crazy. I sent this email to Cliff with every intention of winning him back, and no lie, I think it would totally work. It was that good. I went to get some water - well, I told Danny I was getting it for him, but really I had this lump in my throat about the whole thing - and while I was back in the galley Danny came in and he just - ugh. 

I can't stop thinking about it. 

The way he just walked up to me and pulled the bottle from my hand and tossed it aside - keep,in mind, this man does not litter!! And he grabbed my face and laid it on me good. I don't think I even knew what hit me, and then he pulled away and looked at me like a kid who just knocked over his moms favorite vase. I think I nodded, and he kissed me again and that time, well, I kissed back. Big time. 

Jesus, it was incredible. I've never been kissed like that, and I've been kissed by a lot of guys. It was hot and hungry and sweet and tender all at the same time, and it literally took my breath away. I couldn't even talk when he started to babble about how he shouldn't have done that and he would count to three and if I didn't kiss him he'd know it was all a mistake. The words didn't even register - my head was reeling! 

And then he started counting in this shaky voice, and his eyes, I've never seen that expression in his eyes before. Vulnerability. He looked like he was going to crumble into a million pieces. And them he said "four" and I realized I was supposed to have done something at three and I just went for it and kissed him. 

It's kind of a blur what happened next, we bashed through the bathroom door and then we were taking each other's clothes off, and kissing, so much kissing. Kissing and touching and grinding and let me tell you, it was ridiculously hot. 

Of course when the plane shook and threw me into the toilet and Danny jammed his arm in the trash it was decidedly less hot. That's the point where we kind of came to our senses. 

I say kind of, because once we got out and back to our seats, we pretty much started it all over again, except we kept out clothes on. We did get a lot of angry glares but I didn't care. But then we started to land and we had to buckle up and it was a bit stressful of a landing, so we managed to keep our hands off each other till we were safely on the ground. 

It took about ten minutes to actually deboard the plane and Danny had his hand on my ass the whole time. The whole time. And he kept leaning down and whispering stuff in my ear, sexy stuff, and biting my earlobe and then making this low laugh deep in his throat and I'm just like, what is going on here? Who is this? How is this even happening? And why can we not be naked right now?

And then we got a cab and made out the whole way. We stopped at his place to drop off his luggage and then went to my apartment and I don't know what I expected to happen. I mean, I think I know what would have happened, what I wanted to happen, and I'm pretty sure he wanted it to happen if his pants situation was any indication... And can I just say wow, really didn't anticipate all of... that. Christina's pictures did not do him justice, is all I'm saying. And yes, I realize there was an awkward real life encounter too but no, I really had no idea. 

But alas I did not get the chance to give it a go in it's locked and loaded position, because goddamn Cliff was in my hallway with a goddamn mariachi band and even goddamn Morgan there to document our romantic "reunion." 

I did not want a romantic reunion, or any kind of reunion. All I wanted from the moment Danny kissed me was him. It's pretty horrible of me, I realize this, but in all honestly, Cliff was just a placeholder. I think somewhere deep inside, Danny has always been the one. I could have cried, seeing the way he was looking at me as he left, so confused and worried. I should have just told Cliff about us right then and there, but I chickened out. I got rid of him as fast as I could but now I'm just here alone and I don't know the right way to handle it. I have to go into the office soon and Danny will be there and I'm sure he'll be mad and hurt. 

Danny kissed me. Danny kissed me. Danny kissed me. Nope, it still feels like a dream.


	41. Chapter 41

Okay, the Cliff thing is turning from a minor inconvenience to a major cock block. 

I went into the office and Danny was mad, which I get, but this is such a crazy thing for me to be dealing with and he needs to give me a little wiggle room here. I mean, up until the last half hour of our plane flight, I either had a boyfriend or was making plans to get my boyfriend back, and Danny was pretty deeply involved in that, so it's kind of hard to just completely switch gears on Cliff and break up with him. 

I want to, of course, and I mean technically Cliff and I are only back together in his mind, so come on. I blurted some stuff out and he didn't understand, he thought I was telling him I loved him, and I think I made it even messier. So I just wanted to explain that to Danny and then make out like teenagers, but no, Danny flipped out. 

Fine. I just need to make Cliff break up with me and all will be well, right? 

\---

This isn't going well AT ALL. 

So I thought I'd be as unappealing as possible for Cliff - dowdy, needy, possibly psychotic - I mean, that's a recipe to drive any guy away - and I think it would have worked, if not for the pesky matter of Cliff finding out his grandmother died. His grandmother, who he was apparently irrationally attached to, has... HAD... the worst timing in the world. 

I'm not a monster. I tried to urge him to suffer his grief solo, but he just wanted me to comfort him. Like... comfort, comfort. Ugh. I couldn't tell him about Danny, but there was no way in hell I was going to... comfort him. So I stayed with him and let him hold me and cry and when he got too handsy, I found ways to escape, mostly. 

Danny was pissed. He said we should forget anything ever happened between us. How can he think I could forget? Not possible. Those lips... I can still feel them, running down my throat... His hands on my face... His hands on my ass... His... No, I'm getting distracted here. Ugh. 

Anyway, he didn't believe that I stayed with Cliff because he was so upset, and then after he talked to Cliff he was even madder. I guess Cliff implied that more happened than it had, so I had to reassure Danny that I didn't "cheat" on him. Oh God, how did this get to be such a complicated mess? I know it's my own fault but now I'm in over my head. 

I just want to spend time with Danny. I miss his lips, and his hands, and even his terrible jokes. I miss the way he looks at me right before he kisses me. It's only been a day and I just can't stand it. I've got it bad for that sweaty little man. 

I'm stuck going to the funeral - I even have to write the eulogy, since Cliff now thinks I'm this amazing poet. I'll give him poetry, or at least whatever I can think of that sort of rhymes. And then I'm going to break up with him. I swear. 

\---

So, that was easy. All I had to do to break it off with Cliff was nearly burn down the church while making out with Danny. Why didn't I think of that sooner?

Seriously, awkward. Danny and Morgan showed up at the service and Danny was being all pouty and snarky. He's really fucking sexy like that, but geez, I have enough to deal with, without him being a big baby too. But then he came in and sat with me and all of a sudden he just dragged me off to this, I don't know, fire pit part of the church? Why do they have all those candles? The place has a perfectly good electrical system, they should just put in recessed lighting. 

Anyway, he seemed to have gotten over his "I'm so Catholic I can't be in the same room as you until you're officially single" because he kissed the hell out of me, all blasphemous like. And then I sort of knocked over a candle with my ass and the sprinklers went on and we had to evacuate. 

I told Cliff about us, finally. I had to - it was getting out if hand, and as bad as I felt for hurting him, I felt worse for Danny. Cliff didn't even act all that upset, until Danny came over, and then he punched him. But it wasn't even much of a punch, just bruised him a little. On his lips, his sweet, soft, pillowy lips. 

Oh, and then he told me his grandmother would curse us. 

I didn't take that too seriously till we went back to my place and like the moment Danny went in for some action, a fuse blew and took out a couple lamps. It was scary as hell. Danny spooked and went home, and that kind of sucked, but it gave me some time to kind of reflect on this course if events. I mean, if that fuse hadn't blown, I'm pretty sure I would have. 

So what the hell, is the universe telling me to slow my ass down? Certainly, knocking a plane around to the point I'm thrown into the toilet just so I can't join the mile high club, that seems unlikely. But then we nearly bake a crowd of mourners, and then that supernatural shit - this stuff is only happening when Danny and I are making out. And I can't stop making out with him, but it doesn't have to go any farther...

\---

I'm going to fuck this up, aren't I?

I can't handle it. I'm already in over my head, and nothing is going right. 

It was bad enough coming in to work this morning expecting to have some hot, second base office action, and finding out Danny is super sick. I went to visit him and he was all sweaty and feverish, which isn't unusual, and he was a giant horndog, which is also not unusual, I have come to find out. But things have been really awkward since I told him I wasn't ready for us to have sex. He doesn't feel like we are "really" dating because we aren't banging. It's like he thinks I don't care enough about him to sleep with him, and it's entirely the opposite. I care too much. 

Talk about unusual. 

Okay, I got a fairly slow start in the game, sure. But as I've gotten older and more comfortable with my sexuality, I've been pretty open to new experiences. I've dated a lot of guys, and the past couple of years have been pretty generous in that respect. I'm not going to get into the whole ridiculous double standards for men and women, but suffice to say that when it comes to consensual expressions of attraction and desire, I'm not afraid to do what feels good. 

Or at least I haven't been until now. Because this feels hugely different all of a sudden, and I'm terrified of fucking it up, and now I think I have anyway. 

I don't want to sleep with Danny yet - I mean I want to, oh my GOD, do I want to - but it's daunting to think that maybe he is the one, and it's even scarier to think, what if he's not? What if he doesn't feel the same way? It's not like breaking up with a boyfriend or even a fiancé. He's been a part of my life so long, it's like we're already in deep, and it's just way too fast, even for me, Queen of moving things along. 

I know, I'm making way too big of a deal over a few minutes of naked sweaty bodies slapping together. It's just sex, it's not brain surgery. But the thought of sleeping with Danny - the anticipation, the teasing, the years of foreplay - it's so exciting and so, so scary. Like, when it's the first time, it's maybe the last first time. Ever. 

Or never, because somehow, the personal, private film that I made with that drooling idiot Tom is now on the internet. And Peter watched it. As horrifying a thought that is, I'm even more concerned that somehow Danny might see it. I want to cry. 

\---

Crisis averted! I guess Peter felt so guilty about watching me, um, play the skin flute (and I hope watching is ALL he did!) that he helped me get the video back from Tom and get the porn site to take it down. Thank God, Danny didn't see it. We're heading over to visit him in a few minutes. He needs to get better soon because I need him to know just how much a care about him, and I have a few ways to express that... hee hee. 

\---

Yeah, I haven't posted in the last couple of weeks. I wish it was because I was so busy making out with my hot new boyfriend Danny but actually the bastard gave me meningitis and I've been in the hospital. The universe, man. I'm not kidding when I say it's trying to keep us apart. 

The porn thing kind of blew up in my face. Talk about a sitcom coming to life - I guess Tom put the original on my desk and Morgan brought it to Danny mixed up in my mail... God, what a horrible mess. I was pretty sure I'd blown it (my relationship, pervs!) because Danny freaked out, which is perfectly understandable, and when Peter saw that, he put two and two together. Which is funny because Danny and I haven't actually done the math yet, ha ha. I don't really remember what happened next because I passed out, and not in the fun, Jell-O shots kind of way. 

So I thought that was the end of it, that Danny was just disgusted by me and I didn't blame him. But... he wasn't. He came to my room and climbed in bed with me and read to me from Bridget Jones' Diary. He did the voices! It was the most romantic thing ever, and god damn it, if I hadn't been aching in every part of my body, I would have totally done him right there. 

Impulse control is an issue for me. 

But he said he was okay with slow, and I think that's going to make everything a lot more... more. Just a lot more. So I ended up staying in the hospital about a week longer than he did, something about my immune system being run down, which makes no sense because I take plenty of vitamins. The gummy Flintstones ones, but like five times the child's dose, so I should be healthy as a horse. 

Now I'm home and he's coming over and this feels... real. I'm straight up dating Danny Castellano. How did this ever happen? But I'm so, so glad it did.


	42. Chapter 42

This week has been unreal. 

I guess it's been about three weeks since this all started? Maybe closer to four. It's a bit of a blur with the hospitalization and everything. 

Anyway - Danny and I are basically sneaking around, like Romeo and Juliet. He doesn't want to tell people about us yet. I admit it bothered me at first, but then it became kind of a fun game. How much can we get away with, without people figuring it out? Danny is pretty awkward at it.

I had to beg Peter to keep his mouth shut. He acted weird about it and implied Danny was being a jerk, but he agreed not to say anything. It made me start to doubt my decisions. But it's not forever, right? Just until Danny feels the time is right. I wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable, even if I am.

Anyway, it is awfully cute to find reasons to get him alone and sneak kisses in the hot pipe room and stuff. I don't have to explain anything or defend us as a couple, because no one knows, and I can just enjoy spending time with him. I'm happy. I think he's pretty happy. He sure smiles a lot more than he ever did, so that's got to be good, right? And not just in private. I'm fact, the other day Betsy asked him if he was feeling alright because he hadn't complained about a single thing all day! And he just glanced at me really quickly and told her he was fine. I made sure to go tell him how hot that was later. 

I spent a couple of nights at his house which was... difficult, considering this whole no sex yet thing. Being close to him, sleeping in the same bed, it's driving me a little insane. I mean, technically, some of the things we have done could be defined as sex. But I'm going by Clinton rules. And I just know when it finally happens it's going to be amazing. 

Anyway - my place got broken into and when I told the office Morgan volunteered/coerced me into staying over, which is entirely ridiculous. Danny scolded me and said if I'd just kept it quiet, he could have stayed over, to which I just think if we weren't keeping everything quiet, he could have stayed over! But it's inevitable that it will get out soon enough and we can just relax and act like normal adults. 

In the meantime, I'm somehow co-hosting a party with Danny at my house because he panicked and thought I was going to spill the beans. He's so weird, I don't know why I love him. 

I do, though. It's crazy, but he's just... right. His stupid little rants and his silky red glasses and his terrible taste in music and his sweating and I just can't get enough. And he loves me too, I know it. I can see it in his eyes when we're alone, I can feel it in his voice, in his touch. He's clinging to that last bit of reservation but I can feel it slipping and I can't wait. 

Maybe it will slip tonight, when the party's over. I figure before the end of the night we'll be "out" so to speak - Peter will slip up or someone will catch us making goo goo eyes or hell, maybe Danny will just announce it. That would be nice. 

And then when everyone is gone, he can stay, and we can finally get it on. I have a playlist all ready and everything. I'm really excited about tonight. 

\---

 

\---

 

\---

Hi, blog. Long time, no see. 

You probably figured that things have been going so great for me that I haven't had time to write. 

Nope. 

I've had the time, just not the inclination. I'm kind of surprised I ever came back to this mess. This endless, miserable string of failures called Mindy Lahiri's life and how she struggled to find love just isn't interesting anymore. I found love. 

I just didn't manage to keep it. 

The first week or so after Danny broke up with me, I was just numb. I guess it was a good thing that no one ever knew, because I couldn't have dealt with their faces. Peter, God love him, he was the only thing that kept me going, being his usual asshole self and treating me like I wasn't a fragile wreck. By week two, though, the dam broke, and so did a couple lamps, and my baby toe when I kicked the coffee table. I cried so much that week I think I got dehydrated. Wine isn't that hydrating. I lost seven pounds because I never left the house and ran out of food day two, and even with a few care packages, I couldn't stomach eating much. 

So I got sad, and then I got mad, and then sad some more. You know that old saying, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I seriously beg to differ. It sucks hard to have loved and lost. I didn't have to feel like this - if this never happened, sure, I wouldn't have known that little moment of unbelievable happiness, but I wouldn't have known I could ever be this sad, and that feels like it would have been an okay trade off. 

I mean, we weren't even together long enough to make that many happy memories. I just have brief snippets of happy and they're buried, drowned in tears, smothered by mourning. It made breaking up with Casey like a fucking trip to Disneyland and we were going to get married. 

I spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently, what would have made him not give up on us before we began. Eventually I realized it wasn't my fault. Danny's the one who's fucked up, who can't let himself be loved. It hurt me a little less to realize how much it must hurt to be him. 

And I tell myself I can get through this, that there's millions of people out there, and if I found it once, I can find it again. It happens every day. Millions of chances, millions of opportunities.

But there's only one Danny. 

My stupid, rom com heart says to me at the worst times, hey, maybe you can still pick up the pieces, you can find a way to get back to each other. I'm the epitome of hopeless romantic. But he doesn't want me and I have to accept it. 

Once the first cycle of sadness started to ease up, I got really mad at Danny. Subconsciously, I wanted to hurt him, so I looked into leaving the practice, the one thing he said he was most afraid of happening. I couldn't do it, and not just because of him, but part of me still thinks I should have for my own sake. 

And then I pulled the self destructive routine, going out and banging some random loser who turned out to be married, which I only found out by chasing him around the morning after. It's like I wasn't humiliated enough, I just had to kick myself when I was down. Yeah, in theory, it was supposed to kind of shove Danny's nose in it all, hey look I fucked this stranger but I didn't fuck you. 

I don't think he even noticed. 

He started dating Peter's sister - talk about a fuck you. He's much more skilled than I at that. Peter's pretty pissed about it, my little white knight, but I can't even bring myself to get upset. When you hit rock bottom, there's no where lower to go. I mean, obviously, I know he's going to continue messing up his life with stupid decisions, and if she makes him feel better, I suppose it would be big of me to support that. 

It's just that I don't even want to look at him. 

He told me how important I was to him, I was his best friend, he needed me in his life. How exactly did he expect to accomplish that by breaking my fucking heart? Not breaking - shattering, exploding, obliterating. I'm the walking wounded. So when he gives me those meek smiles and asks me banal questions and expects everything to just be back to how it was before, I just want to scream. 

There. Is. No. Before. Not anymore. 

I know, I know. It's a tale as old as time. I'm far from the first person to have been dumped, and life goes the fuck on, and I just need to put my big girl panties on and get over it. And I will, I know. Just let me wallow a little bit more.


	43. Chapter 43

\---

So I've made a decision to take better control of my life and part of that is going to be giving up on this idea that I need a relationship to make my life complete. 

All I've done my adult life is move from trying to find a guy, to dating that guy, to getting over the guy, and then starting the cycle all over again. It's not working for me. 

So I've made a pact - no more guys. Not right now, until I can figure myself out. But to keep myself from going crazy, I've really thrown myself into work. It's something I have control over and it makes me feel like I have a purpose. Also, it keeps me sober. 

I met with a really sweet young girl, just starting college, her first time on her own, and took her under my wing. It was inadvertent - she came in for an exam and we talked over birth control options, and the next thing I know, she's coming to me to escape her crusty old sexist dad. 

No, there's absolutely nothing appropriate about a patient coming to stay with me temporarily. I know that. I'm going to deal with it. Her dad is kind of cute. No, no, no. 

As for Danny... I'm coping. It's a rather shitty side effect of dating with your immediate circle that you see these guys way too often. Exes who don't work in my building? Perfect. The one, two, three, FOUR that do? Ugh. But I could not care less about bumping into Midwhiffy or Cliffy - those ships didn't really sail, and Jeremy, there's a comfortable acceptance of our history. 

Not gonna lie, there's no way it's comfortable with Danny yet. It's better - we can talk, and he tries to reach out and ingratiate himself, and I'm feeling better about allowing him a little leeway. I just can't understand how he doesn't recognize that this is very hard for me, seeing him every day. Does he really not realize how deep my feelings run for him? He's seen me pick up the pieces after quite a few breakups. I just don't know why he thinks this is the same. 

He did make me laugh the other day and that felt good, and terrible. 

\---

Somehow I didn't realize when I let my temporary adoptive foster daughter Jenny have a little shindig for her friends that she was going to throw a rager and try to molest Morgan. I should have. It was more action than my little apartment has seen since, well, ever. 

I called her dad and he kicked out the hormones and it was kind of sexy, in a super dad-like way. I talked to Jenny and tried to help her understand that having a box full of heartbreak isn't a goal, but it's okay if she has one, because every one of those experiences, good or bad, will shape her, and it's her choice how. Let's hope for good. 

This morning, I rode the subway to work with Danny and it felt for a moment like the old days. Maybe we can get back to being friends, or at least, not as far apart. I can talk to him without my eyes wandering to his lips as often, and when he touches me, I don't flinch. Much. But I miss him, and I wonder if he misses me.

\---

Ran into that cop dad again. Charlie. He took me home when I was a little loopy and fixed some stuff around the house and it made me think I need to become more responsible and independent. So I'm going to buy an apartment. 

Danny offered to go with me, which is a little weird. He's been strange since he and Sally broke up (and I sure called that one, didn't I?) and it seems like he's going out of his way to spend time with me. I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but I like being with him. It's probably stupid of me. I don't like blurring the lines between friends and... whatever we are. He must not either, because he's constantly referring to us as friends. But I'm not sure if he's trying to convince me, or convince himself. 

\---

What is my deal? I keep getting myself into unfortunate things. I went to look at like five places with Danny and he got progressively, well, Danny-er as we went along, till he snapped and told me he owns another apartment next to his and suggested I buy it, or at least just stay there and see if I liked it. 

It's a beautiful place, and the price is right, but something feels a little off. Not with the apartment - with the situation. If I live right next to Danny, isn't that really relaxing some boundaries? I mean, I know I told him I was swearing off men, but not FOREVER. So eventually that means I'll have dates, and sleepovers, and I don't know how thick the walls are... And same goes for him. It was brutal enough seeing him with Sally and I knew that wouldn't last. But can I really deal with seeing Danny find someone, get married, have kids? I don't want to be a shriveled bitter spinster that the Castellano boys tell their friends about and ding-dong ditch on Halloween. 

It felt wrong and I tried it anyway. First night, Danny's there asking me if I want pizza and a movie. It's hard for me to resist pizza, even harder to resist Danny, so I said yes and we hung out and watched bad movies and... It wasn't that weird. It was cozy. It was... God, it was almost like when we were together. Just no making out. But it was comfortable, and I really liked it, and it really can't happen again. Not if we're just friends. Because it made me want more and I've just finally convinced myself I can do alright again.

Peter pointed out to me that Danny is trying to keep tabs on me and that makes sense. Kind of his personality to be a dog in a manger about this. I don't know what he wants - sometimes he looks at me like he has feelings for me, and it's so confusing. Then he just babbles about us being friends some more. I don't want this being more complicated than it is, so I need to test Peter's theory out.

\---

Oh, man. Abort mission "live next to Danny." Big time ixnay on that idea. 

I called Charlie. Yeah, the dad cop. I asked him over for dinner and after I murdered the meal and nearly burned down the building, Danny came over. He didn't knock. 

It was endlessly awkward. He just sat himself down like he owned the place. Okay, he does, but that's not the point. He was grilling Charlie, who was just trying to make some sauce so we could eat. I felt like a third wheel!

And then I was stupid and said, too quickly, that it wasn't a date. That made Danny entirely too happy and made Charlie leave. So Peter was right, he didn't want me seeing other people. I just didn't get why. 

And then... oh man. He tried to kiss me. He found out I was seeing Charlie and he freaked. 

I don't know which hurt more - that he thought I'd just go for it again, or that he essentially used the same move he did on the plane. It just made me realize that he only acts when there's another guy in the picture - like, either as an excuse for me rejecting him or I don't know, a Hail Mary move? Look at the times he almost kissed me - going to Haiti with Casey, trying to trap Cliff, and then going back to Cliff was when he did it first. 

What the hell, Castellano?

He doesn't want me. He just thinks he wants me because someone else might. I don't know if he ever really wanted me. I don't know now if we actually can be friends. 

This sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guyssssss... less than a week. This huge project is almost over and most importantly, season 3 is starting!  
> One more installment will come Sunday and then a small epilogue on Tuesday before the premiere. I can't wrap up the enormity of Danny and Mindy in one chapter.  
> I so hope you guys have enjoyed this. It has helped keep me sane during the wait!


	44. Chapter 44

Okay, something kind of exciting and weird happened and I'm not to sure what to do. 

I've been seeing Charlie pretty casually for the last couple of weeks. He's kind of fun and we get along decently and we are fairly compatible in the bedroom. There's not really a spark though and I know it isn't meant to be a long-term thing. Fine. I can deal with that. I think we're on the same page there. 

So I thought maybe I'd come to a realization. I wasn't meant to be Carrie after all. I've been thinking someday I'd find my Mr. Big and have that classic happy ending. But that doesn't have to happen to make my life complete. Maybe all along I've really been Samantha and thats okay. It's a kind of glamorous life, traveling to exotic locations and having sex with whoever I want without any pesky commitments or anything. Really - who needs a fairytale romance right? 

Then this happened. I locked eyes with a handsome stranger on the subway. Not an uncommon occurrence, you know, I'm a naturally friendly person and I'm smokin hot. But the next day I found an ad in the paper -missed connections. It was subway guy and he wanted me to contact him!

Danny told me I was crazy to consider it, because he was probably a psycho. It didn't seem like too much of a risk considering some of the psychos I've dated, but I wasn't going to reach out to him because it just seemed way too out there, even for me. 

But then I thought, what if? And then, well, I sort of emailed him, and he emailed me back, and now we're writing a lot. And dammit, he's really charming and sweet, and all of a sudden it stirred up something in me. Something I thought was lost. That little kernel of hope of the happily ever after. Fuck, what do I do now?

\---

Wow. I've really gone and done it. I broke it off with Charlie. He didn't seem particularly upset, either. 

I'm pretty proud of myself for actually having the nerve to break it up for someone like that. Turns out he kind of already knew because he went through my phone - which is really an asshole move and made me feel a lot better for dumping him. Especially since I dumped him for someone I've never met. Andy. Subway guy's name is Andy

I know this is crazy. I've never had any luck with, like, blind dates, and I've never done internet dating or anything. But I've seen him, at least. I know he's not going to turn out to be some weirdo who wears a fedora and only wants to talk in Klingon. He's really cute but that almost doesn't even matter because I feel a deeper connection than that. 

It's these emails - it's almost impossible to imagine that I can possibly have feelings for someone just based on the written word. Then again, I remember how Cliff pretty much fell back in love with me after he read the letter that I wrote him. Oh okay, Danny wrote that, but the same principle applies. 

And I think the same thing is happening to him. Some of the things he says make me feel like he knows me so well already, and I just get this vibe from him that he's kind of crazy about me too. I know people have met on the internet before and fallen in love, and there's no magic formula to it that makes sense. 

I just need to be careful that this isn't just something I've built up in my head. I like him a lot though... A lot. A scary lot. And now he said he wants to meet me. At the Empire State building. It's just like the movies...

I'm going to do it. I'm going to throw my hat into the ring one last time and see if there really is true love out there for me. Wish me luck!

\---

No surprise. He didn't show up. 

I shouldn't be upset. It was all just a silly fantasy anyway. I should've just stuck to emailing him, pretending we had a future, instead of trying to make it happen in reality. 

I guess it's a good thing that there's not much left of my heart to be broken. 

It was cold and rainy and dismal as I stood there waiting for my Prince Charming. I'm such a loser. 

The saddest thing is is that before it was time to meet him, I ran by Danny's and ended up spending about two hours there with him, because I didn't want to be too early and embarrass myself. The whole time I was comparing him to Andy. Like thinking hey, it's okay that Danny and I aren't together, because Andy says he makes a mean waffle. Remembering watching Danny's silly man shows and thinking of how Andy said he watched Real Housewives when nobody was there to catch him. Maybe I was just substituting him for Danny the whole time. 

I thought it was helping me get over Danny. I even told him hey, you were right, we shouldn't be together. Letting him off the hook, I guess. I don't know, he was kind of oddly distant when I was there, so I figured if I said that maybe he'd lighten up. 

Oh well. Single again. Guess I need to get a cat. 

\---

Single isn't that bad. 

Maybe I'm finally growing up? Ha, that can't be it. 

I don't know, though. After this last set of events, I feel like something is different. I know I've probably said that a million times, but I mean it now. 

I don't miss being in a relationship nearly as much as I thought that I would. Yeah, there are some things I miss. Weirdly, it's not the sex. Okay, part of it is the sex. A fairly big part. But there's also the emotional stuff, the part where just spending time with a person is all you need to just feel, I don't know how to describe it - feel like you're home. Like you don't have to go out of your way to do or say or be anything, you just have that connection. 

Weirdly, or maybe not that weirdly, I've been feeling that way lately. With Danny. I know, of all people! But maybe things have just gone so far from normal that they've circled back around? All I know is, since that thing with Andy, he's been there for me. And not in an awkward, pushy way like he's trying to get back with me, but just something so much more comfortable. We're really friends, and it's easy and relaxed and special. 

I guess it makes it that much harder to get over him, though. Because shit, I love him. I'm in love with him. Bad. Not in a flighty, here today gone tomorrow sense, like, well, every other time I've been in love. I don't think I ever realized how much I love him, even after he left, until now. 

Sometimes he looks at me in a way that makes me think he feels the same way. It's bittersweet. I guess maybe we had one of those beautiful, tragic romances, soulmates, meant to be but never are, though I still don't get why. I'm not entirely sure I'll ever figure that out, or really get over it, but I'm getting through it, and it's not hurting. Danny is a good guy, and I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. 

But maybe... I can't say if he asked, I'd say no. 

\---

Oh God. This is the worst, the worst. I can't even... 

How could he do this to me? And tell me he loves me? What a joke. I don't even know if he understands the meaning of the word. 

You don't do that to people you claim to love. 

I don't even understand. What could he have possibly hoped to accomplish by pretending to be Andy? Oh and I'm sure that's not his name, it's probably Zagor or something. 

It's just so wrong. Of all the bastards I've had to deal with, he's the cruelest of all. And he says he loves me. 

He was never going to tell me, I'm sure, until I saw that guy on the train again and he had to confess. Would he have just let that lie fester forever? What if we had gotten back together? Everything would have been built on a lie. 

I didn't think he could crush me worse than when he broke up with me. How could I have been so wrong?

Meet him on the Empire State Building, he says. He'll wait all night if he has to. He'll prove his love. 

I hope it rains. Then he can see how it feels to wait in the cold for something that never happens. I hate him. I hate him!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, guys, last real chapter in this long hiatus. It's almost done - two more days until the new episode! I have one more part to post, since clearly, the story doesn't end here, so that will be on Tuesday to bring us to where we will be for Season 3.  
> To everyone who has read, subscribed, reviewed or given kudos - thank you. It's no exaggeration when I say that your feedback is what keeps me, and probably most fic writers, going, even when we get writers block or feel drained or just lose the thread.


	45. Chapter 45

I love him. 

What can I say, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. 

How did this even happen? Ugh. After I got over the initial hurt and anger, I thought more about what that idiot tried to do. I guess he figured it worked in You've Got Mail. Thing is, though, that one person didn't start out intending to deceive, and that's the part he conveniently missed. Then again, it's Danny - he's not exactly masterful at handling either romantic movies or romantic moves. 

I just kept thinking, does he love me? Does he really? Was he ever going to meet me as Andy, and why didn't he? It wasn't to pick up the pieces after my heartbreak, because he didn't try anything at all. We just watched movies and took walks and ate a lot of food, he never once tried to kiss me. Maybe he thought I'd kiss him? I almost did a few times. But I kept thinking back to his words, guys don't break up with girls they really want to be with. 

And that's what I said to him that night, the night he didn't show up. Did I scare him off? He had to know I still loved him.

Anyway, I did some soul searching but I didn't go, at least until the entire office begged me to. Yeah, everyone knows now, courtesy of Danny's loud voice. They insisted he does love me. Peter even showed me some earrings of mine that Danny kept in his drawer and said he caught him looking at them. I don't know why that pushed me over the edge. 

I guess I really did want to go. Enough to walk up the entire 104 flights of stairs which is exactly 103 flights more than I've ever walked in my life. So hell yeah, I love him. 

Anyway, the romantic reconciliation was successful. A lot of things were successful, I might add. 

I think I need to step away from this blog and just let us be. No more overthinking. Maybe I'll pick it up again one day. Hopefully, there won't be much I need to vent about, but let's be real. It's me and Danny. I might be back tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Happy end of hiatus to everyone!


End file.
